Wiener #2

CTION

Soc fetY

| ViSigNACONEUSION -

So, this Is the second issue of wXs, a litte bigger, hopefully there's been some,
{mprovement. Not that #1 was a fucking hazard, al the feedback it generated pretty
e confirmed that ws is doing something important by being a messenger of brutal
Honesty, “Which although can be difficult to read at times, comes back o the truth about
some people’s lives and opefully somehow someone hears these storics who needs to
Hear thets. This waan® put out t be entertainment, oF to be a fesUME to @ S0E0E 10 try
1 secure & foothokd to become some underground personality, but morc a5 & form of
personal therapy. 1 hope some kid who's dealing with any number of things that [ve
fecn through can relate with, s0 as 1 get ree with these words, so does somean clsc.
That's it that's all I want.

‘Some people may have a hard time with the racial aspect of my past. What can
L do about that? Nothing! All 1 can do is what | am, admitting and moving on. Yeah, |
Lsed to be a white power skinhead, but | woke up, I changed. I've got to deal with that
Shit and 1 never make cxcuses because | know 1 was wrong. But [ also know therc’s

‘arent true racist, as | wasnt, but caught up in pursuing an image or a reputation to find
‘acceptance in 8 group. That's one reason why ' 5o anti-image, why [ don' try to
Liphold amy reputation, that type of lifestyle brought me to a dead end. 1 don’t wait to be
2 *punk rocker”, an “anarchist” an “activist”or a “revolutionary”. 1 don’t want to
‘ssociate what | am with any pre-erected and labeied personalities and | don't want to
‘Search for acccptance In the arms of any movement. Image separates peopic, because &
Jou adopt an identity in your group of choice you set yourself apast from all others who
Yon't Kentify with the aage you cultivate and this works against unification. Iwant to
Just be an individual that rebels and allgns myself with the ideas and beauty of
revolution, equality and frecdom.

Thve bee reading this book Davs of War, Nights of Love by the Crimethine
Collective that my good friend Mark Osmond (of As It Stands...zine) ocat me. ‘This book ~
s flled with impacting words and thoughts that Just make g0 much sense to me. |
wanted to share 8 few statements that really stood out. “To be effective at acting
Tadioally (rather than Just acting radicalf, one must be disintereated n being radical or
“an activist, but only desire to help make radical things happen.”

Util we are able to leave our identities” behind, Whenever we come togsther it
will merely be & case of images meeting and clashing - with the humans behind them
unable to see each other.”

‘Do you ever think that your ientity, whatever it may be, is actually a serics of
barriers and fimitations restricting you to only what is available within that identities box
ol that if you could get past being controlled by the idea of identity and image then you
‘Sould for once find the path to personal freedom and reallzation? Ideatity works as &
Gefinition of who you are, but true individuality fust be undefinable, for that's where the
‘strength s, in the gbility to do the undefinable, not ust the expected

For a Jong time | was having so much trouble with my past and how 1 sever the
s between who 1 was and reinvent who | am. Ive come o realize spending o much
Sy rootad in things done, unchangeable and one day forgoticn, i in tself a imitation
ST el for oo matter the amount of guilt, hurt or regret spent on days already lived those
et canniot be changed. Pocusing on the past takes away from your ability to cxist
fully now, not what it could have been last week but wasn. 1am pow, not what | should
have been but wasn't.

e past s nothing. The past s dead, finished, gone. It has o meaning
except that for the meaning you give It. The degree to which you bang onto It s the
Giegrie o which It has some elfect on your current reality. Otherwise, I's nothing - cven
less than nothing * Swami Chetanenanda

‘Ive come to believe the only effort that matters is the effort of doing what is
right for you at this very moment. Once an experience is passed by, even meaningful
‘otes, It takes on being & memory and theoe are all subject to fade. While many
hemories are fond, they cannot compare to the moment of now and the abilities you

ES
Jossess to activate existence, just as the fallures or lost opportunitics of yesterday do no
Topede chances you have now. Giving in to the past is giving up now.

These are the types of things I've been reflecting on lately. The scarch for
satance cach day 18 constant. Living In & maximum-security prison day in and day out is
e extreme living Ive known. Pissing in gutters, living on the street, shooting up
B hat you Just state rom a guy you had at gunpoint undl he emptied his pockets
e amoun to the same level as this cell dwelling monotonous conditioning.
Everything is controlled and scheduled. Do you know what It feels lke to stand at a ccll
e lock out your tiny window slot through double-ply safcty glass nto a cell block of
99 ather cells Identical to yours, knowing each one has tvo living behind those solid
metal doors? There are 4 other bulldings Just ke yours on this yard and four yards in
e prison and 35 prisons in just this statc and there are 50 fucking states in this
O tya Tha is 8 staggering thought and you can' help at tmes to fel lost in the
o an Invisible sysiematic society. A society that cxists just outside the domain of
e bte. once known, now a fading memory and the chanee at a nearly future fantasy
Gy whre freedom will again replace 8 by 12 foot cels, tiers, sally ports, lockdowns and
o s with thelr pepper spray canisters the size of small fire extinguisher strapped
i ide. Gun towers with loaded assault riles and block guns, chow halls where
500 e all dressed in identical blue penitentiary issue clothes stand in line to grab a
2wl plastic mult-compartment tray through a st the wall, follow the man in ront
e to a steal table where on by on they fll up with men in blue cating off blue trays
ol teing the same soy-beef pattics or half cooked chicken with semi-heated frozen

Privacy doesn' cxist here. At any time of the day a C.0. (correctional offcer)
can call mé ou of tmy call, or enter when ' out to conduct “random cell search”.

ombed throvgh and meybe read fonce a C.0. sat and read the entire wXs 01, then
et eferring to Ricky and Mine cell s the “ove shack"), mattrcsses are lipped and
e scatiered. Picture willbe taken down ifnot located in the designatod yellow
P bare painted on the wall and anything not allowed will e thrown inlo & PIastc bag.
e piastic bag will then be thrown over the C.0.% shoulder as he/she proudly and
Froom floor, gloating with victory, with their sack full of
O eated material The material will be documented to show that once again the good
s (read "the damn state”) will always foil the corrupt plans of the bad guys (read
“inose fuckin’ convicts”).

‘Last month my dear friend RIf-Rat, a street punik from Stockton and a local to
the by area scone (maybe in a future lssue 1l convince him to write sbout some of his
v experiences. ke when he got in a Descendents show free afcr Milo saw himn out
e handiing for a ticket, then later took him ot for fast food courteey of the band.

e saw Operation Ivy live and realized punk rock would last even without Black
Flag and the Germs. the only other guy here who would vote If Jelo was on the ballot
£k pronounces sine like “zoen” and not rhyming with wine, tred to do something about
P vacy being Invaded. RIs a known tattoo artist and a certain wek his cell was
L with 3 days in & row, which s Just fucking harassment. He demanded to sec
e stipes before going back t his cel, o he could complain about the disrespectul
ey of hia home. When the sergeant showed up he culled Rif and his celly and
iy ed them straight to the hole for violating a direct ordes” when he refused ©
o “On the way the offcer was bending Rifs arm in a way It wasn'®t created to and
ot okt ida To +go ahcad and break my arm 0 | can sue you fuckers*, o something (©
A lent. e was in the hole for about a week and got & write-up, which extended his
o montie, just for sticking up for his rights. Oh, 1 orgot those don’t eally exist
o hey? Not as lorg a8 & dominant force of pigs wil use the threat of violence and
‘continual harassment to extort compliance to their syste.

o a'a sotind I've come to despise, because I associate it with the blatant reality of
e e e the fact 1 cannot leave. Every night, alte the whole prison Is locked up,
e cets full o thelr “owners?, the building C.0.' start at the head of the tiers and
i Eera Jingling walk cel to cel. There they unlatch a masterlock (cink, clink, sip,

3
s aud ook iein 1 place (cluckl) W secure U door Ior the long night. | hate that
‘sound, locked-in no way out, left _

Lately it's been difficult to setze the moment like | desire to. 1ve Just pulled G
myself from thls state of disillusion that had me confused for a fow days. | seem to go
Uhrough s cycllc routine about every 90 days, where this litle storm cloud appears
everywhere | am and starts raining down on me. Everything congeals in this bland
mixture of apathetic discontent. | Gan®t get o slecp. Memories of the last time [ held my.
daughter when | was a free man and of the several day crime gpree that found me boied
up in an cinpty apartment. There | was with a loaded 22 caliber rifle hiding from the
Nakjacketed sherll task force that had surrounded the neighborhood and were golng to
find me because | heard their pet dogs barking my name. These flash through my mind
‘and all | can think about is the great free world tat s Oblivious t me, Just outside my
window, but untouchable. | s the sky stretch away towards the place somewhere on
the other side of the nation where Lydia, in Vermont, will look up into Its beauty and
‘probably think how lovely the clouds look, Just like I do. This rustration eats at me, a
being unable to frolic through woodiands, siinny-dip in a clear mountain pool, hitch-
hilke cross country to visit Todd in Detrol, sit on the curb outside Justin's high school
With a 40 cz. of Mickey's collecting the stares people toss me like unwanted change.
Unable to catch the Gotohells live and spend the rest of the night talking about how rock
roll punk sock s getting and to just go places. All of these what ifs and but whys and
maybe one day fll my head with endiess memories and impossible fantasies and | can
focus on what's around me. 1 get antsy like a kid with A.D.D. in algebra class and people
bug me. All conversation sounds like insects buzzing in my ear and 1 just become fed-up
with dealing with everything so well. This urge to just lose control tries to get me 1o go
find some heroin. That's when | know I'm getting depressed with my surroundings, when
1 think how good It would feel 1o sip a ncedle in my arm and just nod out for a while. So
far it's been a year and about 3 month since the last shot and ' going on a year about
3 months and a day. Those small relapses of negative infections scem t go 85 quickdy as
the come. Something pulls me right out o the rut with a recharged courage and eyes as.
wide as daflodils. Sometimes it's as simple as listening (o Out Come the Wolves.. o my.
AF.L e.p. over and over, or playing acoustic versions of songs ffom my old punk band
The Col. Kink Scandal on the guitar ny mom sent me. Sometimes it takes looking at my
photo albums full of all my pen-pal's smiling faces and sweaty rockin’ out bands like
Teen Idols, Reach the Sky, Kill Your ldols, 7 Seconds, American Steel and Abe Froman,
shows ['d illed to have been at. OF just getting Siug & Lettuce or Thought Bombs slid
under my door at mail call. Maybe reading some of Lydia's poetry or reading a profound
idea in one of my many cherished books or just finding time alter my celle goes to slecp.
tdoa few yoga postures to clear my mind.

A few weeks ago it was worse. Ricky, my lover, and I got in a fight. Both of us
ot hurt and we broke up. He's been there with me for the last 6 months and became &
plece of me, it was hard 1 go through such a loss. The whole thing was so dramatic and
unexpected. There were some problems that were just killing the relationship and | had
0 leave. The words | wanted run away, faster they o, faster | chase. My mind wouldat
allow me the chance to focus upon that which I wish to explain. Questions once again
‘become the closest thing to solutians. Somehow | know that | am more complete now ~
than I was before my heart was broken this time. Am 1 allowed o fecl both betrayed by
this love I had and better for the good | was given while it was stil good for me? The pain
was like gobs of acid siting in my stomach. But, | remember, o feel pain is Just to
experience one of the many shades of being whole and allve, but to fecl numb is to
subtract all progress and run incoerently back t a place I cscaped, a place | refuise to
retum to. So, this heart continues...Pve come to two conclusions because of this splt,
the first is | can't base my inner happiness on someone else (though | can share i), And
‘secondly no matter how much I'd ke It 1o, my mind can® overpower my heart, my
emotion won't be denled not cven IF it scems illogical. One thing is apparent (© me and
that i the last fow weeks of my lic has been every c@o song Ive cver heard rolled into 14
days of realty.

“That reminds me, | heard A New Found Olory on the local Sacramento
alternative station as & buzz cut between Deftones and Papa Roach. Damn, we lost
them.

[
On Sunday this local rock station has an hour and a halfof underground
music. The show is called Bar Whacks, where cverything from punk to hardcore, gind
and death, emo, Ol and ska and sometimes trancc/industrial is broadcast. | never miss
it Last week I heard Missing 23, which Is just ullon skate punk how it wsed to be
playcd. They played the new Dropldck song, which had this Irish flute o something in
there and was Just a catchy as fuck sing-a-iong. Thio local girl punk band The Skirts did
a cover o Ricky Martin's Livin’ La Vida Loca® and although you'd think that was a bad
choice youVe gotta hear this. The latest Oxymoron kicks pogo ass. The BLACK HALOS
on SUB.POP are a viral combination of Hellacopters and Murder City Devlls, which
means of course mean-ass rock-n-oll with that | got bad fuck but 13 is my fucky
Dumber fel that always reminds me of that keleton holding the mastini glass rom that
Social D album. The new Emo Diaries has some really good heartbreakers and Julianna
heory has got o be the best fuckda emo out there, | Jove them, not a8 much as Davey
Havok from A1, though, that boy s fucking scxy in that gothy way. Alkaline Trio and
No Motiv both have that pop-Influenced strect sound, though the Trio has been listening
Braid and the Get-Up Kids I think._Three bands that are facking tearing shit up with
1o thought o the weak hearted are Straight Faccd, In Flames and Snapoase, fuck this is
fas, metal-tinged hardcore with cnough cnergy to feanimatc a dead corpse. Selbe Tigres
are Hotgrrvis after Bl KIll but not quite domestic as Slater-Kinncy. The Punk Gocs
Metal comp ha got a shitload of great cover sangs that Jus sound bettr punk than they
ever did any other way. If you alnt satisfed without grind in your lfe than you got to
hear NASUM and BENUMB, both on Relapoe Records and these bands do the
HATEBREED/ EARTHCRISIS thing harder, crustier, muddier and al around realer than
the Viciory twin dols. I you call yoursclf a fast music lover, you havenf got it ye i you
have yet t hear Motorhead's now album. And goddamn, BEERZONE, BEERZONE,
'BEERZONEI Jets o Brazil are back and they are t the hew emo sound what Judge s to
the hardcore of bands like Cold as Lif.

Lyeia’s ot a couple very good columns in here as well as hr letter from Italy. 1f
you want t0 write her about her writings feclfre, she is the most gorgeous person |
ow... Lydla * 760 Silloway Rd. * Randolph Ctr, VT 03061. 1 Jus adore hor wriing she.
2mazes me with her words end we take cach other to these cpiphanics of ntense cmotion
and thought in our letters. She challenges me to become more of a loving person and not
o fcar. She has 5 many inner truths that soem t break my mind open i bigger
norizons every time | read her words. Here's a sentence from one of her last letters to me
‘Rt summed-up overything wXs s: “Brcaling through the yriad llusions of the outer
ayer people put up Is what 1 ive for.”

Justin has now offcally become my partner n thought-crime. He's put away
ais e If Only Thought Could Killfor awhile and has dedicated his creative chergy to
Wiener Society. 1 can' thank him enough, Justin you are the kind of 16-year-old | wish 1
ouldve bocn. Thank you fo everything. Wicner Sociey couid not exist without Justin.
originally wrote the column “Fake Nazi*for Justin's 2nc, now IFs adding pages here.

“Todd typed a shitoad of my fucking ramblings and withou his ingers and that
somputer of his and his girlriend Stef supporting him half the shit that' in this lssue
vouldn' be. Todd, thank you my frend and brother, you are one of those true frinds
“hat I never really had before now. Todd has mass Integrity. Check out hia zine Hoollgan
ouse, good shit ifyou lke burly Oil and baley handcore to spice your square punk
neal: Hooligan House * PO Box 180983 * Utica, MI 48318.0963.

“Anthony Rayson continues to prove i has an unlimited supply of dedication
1nd guts. His zine Thought Bombs Just keeps getting better (#13.5, the split zne with
“he Blood Runa Red, was the shit), his D.LY. projects and prisoner support programs
rc all diectly from his heart and he us kecpe doing more. Anthony, ' sorry about
“our father, i happens o al good men. Write Anthony for prisoner info, his distro lst,
Bought Pombs or Wiener Society at: Anthony Rayson * 27009 5. Bgyptan Tral -
fonce, 1L, 60449, he docs ARA organizations in Chicago as well.

‘Scan Lambert puts out oro atomic incs, the D.LY. purik as hel Youte Not
formal and prisoner Info cxtravaganan Bebind These Walls. Sean also distros grips of
ibelievable zines and puts out benefit omp tapes for D.LY. bottom price. Sean Distros
¥X3 a8 well: Sean Lambert * 2835 Delaware Ave., ApL 1 * Kenmore, NY 14217,

3
Hook up with all these people, put into effect your own network with these
riends of mine and get inspired. 1 want to hear from you as well. | Want to get to know

e there ae nteriows! Justin i the MILEMARKER chat at on o their
s, Ut g (o mal nd with the el o Todd's c-mall. 1 want o
e D1y, s with mothing bt & demo ot & e viny ot,go bands wrie
e s yer to0. Send Justn your demo fo review. And s send me
o o eviow i G, Mst o al writ o !

e ank st that noods 1o b adresoed while wer on business.
s s vy apereant 1 hink SA et o e of th st D.LY. nebworking
et ot heve, Chela{ine) ot ol my love ad rospet for what she doca. The

wrong way. You are expected to be accountable. In issucs #63 and 465 | came across
ot a8 that intercsted me, the ad was from a gay mae. At the time [ wanted (o have.
column by & 100% queer standpoint for this issuc, 50 [ wrote this guy asking if he'd
ke to write one. His ad said he was gay, white, skinny, into animal equalty, traditional
‘meas dresses, ot working for this society and prefers affection o sex. 1 wrote Hungar
o 1 receiveda Jetter back, one page with red inl and this is word for word (misspellings
{ncluded) his response: 7 am a Nazl and 1 hate you nigger Jew fasionists, you arc all
homosaplons o me. | am homophobec and being gay means | hate women and any one
who iikes them to. 1 would have nothing to do with an animale of your kind. HATE,
'HUNGAR you queer that is what I call a Jew.”

" was aa shocked as 1 am sure you are now. Bven madder at how this guy was
using FREE SPACE in Slug & Lettuce to gay bash through the mail. I secure with
Inyeci so this leter only pissed me of, but what f some confused 6 writcs this fucking
Tt for help with coming out or admits being gay for the frst time In a letter, then gets
‘an eavelope of crushing hate delivered? Disaster. So, I wrote Chris, explained the
ontent of the letter and my concern for kdds In danger of Hungar's homophobic bate.
Well, Slug & Lettuce will no longer run this fucker's ads. Thank you Chis(tine), We love
Jou.” And Hungar, you can suck a dick! 1f any of you wish to explainto Hungar his
robiem, or Just rezind him he's wrong write him at Hungar Berstcin * 9801 8. 1570 -
Diibert, AZ 85234 and tel him that Nell Edgar said go fuck himsclf, Neil Edgar, K61832
114 ~ PO Box 409000 * lone, CA 95640 of Justin Rhody * 9605 Deer Trall * Haslett,
MI 48840, Activism For Existence.

"1 cannot stand the word ‘olerance because tolerance means that you don
have to accept, reapect, be cordial to or bave knowiedge of a certain thing or person..
Imeans you can hate someone and pretentiously, lay it off ke you can ‘make friends’
Riot Dyke of Riot Dyke zine.

Youve gotta have love in your heart and you'e gotta have pain in your life and
you've gotta have some vision and confusion for some peace of mind. Screeching Weasel

DS

Goorge Bush has now aken offce and noing basreally changsd aod ruthfllyithis couniey of
buresvcrsoy nothing will ruly change over th next 4 (o possibly 3) years. One of th opics thal got my.
attetion s th candidate’s opinon on th second amendment. That's the e hat saysthat we bavethe
ightto bear arm.

"Pooplesssume hat thi couniymeeds sirictar gun aws. [1'sbeen big debal ove the ast
couple of year. Kids have boen goting hold of gun and that forces peopl o s hata his counries:
current pun laws ar 0o . Fiesrms rethe most regulated producs i our couniey, e thaalohol,
igarotesand sutomobiles. Companios hat make iresrms are roqired o koep irmaculaterecordsdetiing
‘overy step inthe munficturing product and where tha weapoa s shipped. Dealers ae required o be
Toderaly lcensed, which they don' gt by just asing for i Dealers lso bave sict guidelioss on who they
‘miny sel . Individuals who wish o pucchase pesonal frearas st gt prchaser’spermit which
requiresthe 0 pas extensive backgound check and they mus registr the g ale i ispurchase,
‘mako tha mmeditly aflr it s purchased. Do peopl have o firt et a icnse o urchise cgareics,
slcolor sutomobiles? Nol What 1 don'tundestn i how some individualscan clai tha hiscountry
ncods more govecrment gun rgulatons. Aro pople tha atve? Criminalsdo no porchas their weapons
from a gun shop. The recent ash of school and warkpla shootngs, whichhas been the ralying callfor the
forces who appoe th second smendment, shows bt the weapons have bca legally blaned. They were
ether bought from unlioensed stretdeales or were slolen. Criminals are ot 1 cupid s pople asume,
hey know at s handgun that i prchased legally s easier 1 race tha one that is ganed by lega means.

(One only needs ook st Ausirali 0 see that ironge g laws do nol work Austrlia has
baaned pivato ownership of fireamn and sinc the ban ook effect cime raes have skyrockeled out of
‘control. Crimes commied with handguns haversen even fute than he average crime rte. Thisanly
proves hat it s not bard fo criminala o obtain weapoas,actualy i i easir fo the o obain them than it
e To the averag citzen of any couniry to et them.

‘Responsibl people who legally purchase thee Fiream provent 50,000 crimes each year i this
‘country. Tknow that fgure dossnt even come clos to how many cimeseach yer o comitied with
rermn, bt thce i iffcence. The cranes that ar proveed ar done 50 withlgally owned farms.
‘Withoutthossfresrs 50,000 mr poople cach year would bethe victeus of s cime. They could bave
boon the vitis o repo o murder. Tho ciminal’s will tways bo ablet oblin thie wespoas 50 how can
‘ou preveat pople rom the opportunityto defend themselves.

'm not sying there should be o rogulationson guns, I'm ot saying that we don't ned iictr
1ors e thoe hat woskeady have. 1 prsonally 39 o problers with a wating priod o gan purchases.
Tactualy soppor he oed for trite rgalaions t gan shows. 1 support th bill tht would reqi rigger
ks with evey handgn purchased. Joet bocauss you get rgger lock doesnot mean tat you bave 0 use
€ 1F you have o kids in the house and youarsth only o tat has scoes o the weapon than there s o
oed for you o uso i, but what barm doss it o o bavei. 1 doa'tundeataod why they it the number of
roundstht handgan cn bold. I theo realy a diffrence beween 10 rounds sod 167 I've been aing oo
andginssince L was 12, aiso have extensive milary frears rining nd rth b told it would nt ake
‘me morethan one round o ill somene. AL12 1 also started shooting archery and amalmost a efcient
‘with that a5 an with pstol. 50 the slution o benthe bow and arrow? Than agaia 6 yeas in the Ariy.
being tght hand to b combat and marial artssice | waa 10 have made m prey good a tha,so what

th solotionfor hat?

Peopleassume that 1 would suppartstricer g control measues. Three yeas go my brother
ook bis own lf using & handgun. Did ho g o thesiors and purchase the bandgin, wait the 5 r 0 days
tha background check requires? Hoknows tha he would have neverpassd th background check. He
bad criminal rocord tat would heve exclude him fom geting the purchases pei. He kol hepistol,
it was one ofonly two ways for i oblin . Ho eithe had 1o sea i or gt i onthe srets. The fictis
e ol rom me. He broke rgga lock onthe pistol. The pistolvas alsolocked in a pisol case andthe
pistol case was focked in one oftwo flng cabint, both of which hoprid apen. Was his sicide my fult?
No, I dom't think it war; 2 you casse was a responsie gun owner who weak wel beyend the lega means
of gun ownership. I hisdesh th gun indusry fauk? No’# s, how could i be. The manufacturer
Tllowad il lws i producing that gun. 1 the dosle that sld e the guos ful? No,thy followed the
et ofthe law in sellng methe g Who's t bt formy bother' deatk? My brothr and my brther
alone. Ho was unhappy with the ey isIfe s going nd decided hat h didt wan 1 coninue, Ifthere
wers o such hinga s s would he sl b alivetoday? 1 doubt ;e wouk bave found snother way to
‘e b ife. 1 can' blam Glock, Ruge, Col or any olhe campaniesthat craie andguns, they dida't hand

s hod and ey Gt cue th rolem h ol wors insrmoutble. Tt s s
il
e esson i such bt ot s i et anevotonl s, Policins know
how to play an people’s emotions. Just like everyone they only tell you the part of the truth that helps them
i ffic. Th duthof ldren i amational, the i duh of syone i and ht he put .
et vy e papr 0 sk fby o plicen The e e ey proese ek bcked by
oo hey e il y o, Scio rove (1 proped e ikt down n s
e thorcoutries bveproven ht g o bkl rd i e ke s G
iking with oo hench s o Binking i cr s

“Ther i 0 way oo i oxep i s nfrin h st wehave. Should't th
tention of e plie b onhe pope egallyslin e frsema? Thos r thppl wh il h
50 o st s r o the bocks. Tt i oy e fr Bt i cor and 4 yone v b
Sy lcked e s wold el you it would b supd oy and et st ey
e

41k to hok Nel forallwing e thi o o spsk ny i, Wo don' vy shar th
el bl he b v o 5 ol bt syl i, o do e
7y werts snd ackoiadge my viows. Nl b show tht b e i snd s pirton

il aa v coimn called “Ackn Fappeiags” oy zie ogigan . T anyone
rukd ks o gt hld of HoliganHose s eu o of i’ oy ot o 2. ot o ad it
e obtind by eing e 530,

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Todd Keyser
PO Box 180983
Utica, MI
48318-0983

“I'ses it everyday in these punk rock scenes
people talking shit being fucking mean to their fellow punks
‘we need to get along 50 lets end it now because i's fucking wrong
‘we need (0 respect each other’s differences
‘because we all get enough shit as it is from these stupid fucks that
1y to keep us down
if we fight against ourselves we'll be buried in the ground
us vs. us when we fight each other no one wins.”

reflecting on yesterday
and befere

3 reslize what is behind
zets clogged in memory
and the edges of those pictures
shrink and tear

with each moment that
passes;

where 1 find then
that the picture of now
is crisp with beauty
and_fresh

smelling of the present
expanding into the. next
second
where breath is breathed
and_an imprint of myself
is left forever to speak
that 1 lasted one more
spsn of existence.

to be myself

i make each moment mine
before it's rivped away.
once 1t's over

1t surely will dwindle
as hurt foraets

and words become unmemorable
i find even though times
bent me in twa

today 1 awoke

to a sky where a sun
rose to shine.

w0
were you there?

jno, but i was.

so instead of missing
lor painting regret

i let those things that try
to pull me back into what
will only fade,

i let those things free
and when 1 open 1y hand
imy eyes

'the moment of now

laughs as 1

tickle it s belly

with my own lavghter.

for a life spent gripping s
yesterday,

s to miss the sky today.

--1ydia

YOULL GET OLD ANDHINE
AWRINKLED ASS"MILO”
“The seed of "Wiemer Society" was conceived |3
in the same prison cell I birthed the
column "Liberation From The Sickness” in
and sent it to MRR. As I Wrote about my
past, my experiences, my faults and the
damages done, the regrets, I felt a ray

of hope awaken inside my battered soul.
It may sound cheesy,but 1t felt right, as
|if all along everything I had been through
was meant to be spilled onto paper for a
reason. At the time I didn't know what the
purpose was, or why I wrote. I just had to
_get 8o much off of my chest, I had to mx
et it out. It was an outlet, and in all
honesty there was no cause of nobility,
nor false self-promotion that fueled my
pen, no agendas when I eddressed the
envelope containing the nine handwritten
pages to San Franoisco. I just did 1t as
a type of ,mExx well I guess of therapy. A
confession of sorts. Laying the truth down,
taking the step towards change, a stepping
stone to me. I had been living a lie for
50 long 1t felt foreign being so truthful.
It felt good.

! T've always had low self-esteem, so I
never expected MR&R to print my raving
bablings. But, to my utter astonishment
Iwhile reading through the columns in #204
I came upon my very words, I was So sur-
prised and inspired. I could write. I let
my cellle read it (my former cellie, I've
transferred prisons since, so my friend is
out there floating around the undercurrent
of institutional corruption Somewhere, my
thoughts are with you brother). I knew he
would understand even if he was finding
things out for the first time, like my bi-
sexuality. His name was Solo, and he was
a crusty, F.T.R.A., railriding traveling

12
|punk, now stuck in a cell for a murder Em he
was innocent of .EEmmt Fucking system. He was
& victim just like so many others. They
“broke him off IHC, that means life without
i the possibility of parole, ever. He read it
| twice, looked up, asked if It was true, and
when T nodded he'smiled. "Did_you ever
| wear a aress? he laughed, smiling wide.
| 0K, so what?! That so bad?" I laughed back.
“No, whatever, thats cool.” Then he got
serious, tossing the Maximumrocknroll on his
bunk. "You need to write more buddy. Start
that zine bro.”
; 8o I started thinking about it. What
[would I write abou}? I have so many opinions,
!convictions, lies to set straight,truths to
|admit, stories to relay, memories'to relive.
| Avguements on homophobia, equality and imtermuce
tolerance, a fucked up society, the goverment,
| prison industrial complex, human rights,
animal rights, the world enviroment, drug
addiction, feminism, racism, guns and violence.
Thoughts are never dormant in my mind, rather
| chaotia. tut passionate. I had things to say.
Then the letters started coming, Punks and
revolutionaries out there in the community
Who had read the column and had felt an impact.
|1 was stunned once again. Somehow I had re-
{ached from behind prison walls and touched
people, and they responded. Words of ExEmEXEERE:
encouragement, of respect, of honesty, of
compassion, of interest, hope and sincerity.
These peopie heard me and understood.
Amelia B. Preston from Louisville, KY,
a 22 year old hairdresser into goth told me
she had always fantasized about getting in-
| volved with heavy drug use, that hard drugs
! had been appealing in & forbidden sence, but
reading of my experiences she was grateful
for her stable life...'my heart breaks at
| the thought of all you've been through, and
not to lambast you for your sordid past,
though you've done many things I condemn...
©..1 think its because I see a very in-
| telligent person with a heart." She signed
| the letter..."Stay Intact."

13

"0l Neil®, said Melody Pascal from
Hontebello, “Although I do not know you
personally, I respect you for getting
through all the experiences you've had
| throughout your 1ife & for being so straight

{forward about yourself. Thank you for ERETImE
. sharing with me. Pursue the zine idea, its

a good one." She sent some flyers too.

| In his first letter Justin Bhody, 16,
from Michigan said he had mever come into
contact With any fascists or racists, but had
grew up his whole 1ifwe around drug addicts.
Said his dad uses heroin 3 times a day, lives
with "goony people and gets kicked out of
zxEy everywhere.” He grew up seeing his mom .
beaten by his father in drunkin fits. "I :
| think you're a really good writer and actually
|have something to say! GASP! SHOCK! HORROR!

| 1f you really do want to make a zine, I'11

do everything I can to help, Just send me

the material." He promised to send a co

|of his zine "If Only Thoughts Could Kill"
and some flyers from his band SMUT. He's
one of my closest penpals now. Without ISEXm
| Justin this zine wouldn't exist. xt*

o

s

John Murphy of "No Comply" zine out of
IL, offered to give me a forum to speak out
|'in'No Comply. I sent him a contribution Emite
called "Expose On 21st Century Hate" a
plece about how the white power movement <ii:
targets teens as a prime foous for recruits
or victims. It will be printed here in a
later issue.

Todd Keyser from
just read your column
thought 1t was great.
about my 1life and how
| same stupid mistakes.
that White Pride crap
turned my back on all

Utiea, MI, wrote... "I
in MRR #204 & I

It really made me think
I too made some of the
I got caught up in all
and am so glad that I
of that." He asked 1if

I could send something to print in his
"Remember Brian" zine, a tribute to the late

Brian Deneke. I wrote an article and sent it
we've become solid friends.

5
Joe Williams from Cleveland wrote words
that touched my heart. I hed been on the
| backroads he was hauling down before. *I
feel 1like I'm going to fall over the edge
any day now..." "Wow, I must tell you your
words definitly have affected me." "When
you speak of of putting on certain masks
or costumes, I relate a lot to that. And
when you hate yourself, people can sense
it a mile away. The only thing that gets
you out of it is analyzing yourself and
making major changes.” He tells me of his
two friends, only friends, who he gets
high and piss drunk with. They share only
two common attributes, Joe says, "our
fucked up families and hatred of ourselves.
Well,that and a love for punk. His Cleve-
land scene is full of asshole punks who
only cere about what they look like in a
mirror, and he wants out to another city
_cause he's sick of looking for something
real there. I wrote him and said he needs
| to make some waves in his local scene,
awaken the stagnant ones, start a small
vakkyard revolution. Create impact. We've
_been in touch regularly and talk about
| “our fucked up families. I tell him he zan
can make it. We all can.

"As I start to read your article, it
211 sounds so familiar to me....as I
scroll down to_ the name...no way!! Neil
Edgar? The whole thing takes me back to
Peb. 1996, when I first met you. To hear
you talk about yourself like that shocked
me, because I never thought of you like tha
that., I always thought of you as a great
person with a good heart and with so
much talent...(even after you stole money
and pagers from me). So many times I found
myself thinking about you and what had
happened to you. I always knew you wWeren't
into that Nazi crap at the end, even
when you shaved your head in my bathroom
and used my paint pen to draw swastikas

\'s
on your boots when you were tweeked. T
always knew 1t was a way out for you,
| and I wish T would have known it then,
- | Ido miss you, Melissa Brown, a true
friend for 1life," .
i I had lived with Melissa and her
husband Mykl, he was the bass player for my
band "The Col. Klink Scandal." In the few mm
months I was there I went from a dry sober
phaze, to a complete chemical wreck, back
on the speed on a collision course with the
the law and prison just around the corner.
I was hurting bad and wanted to hurt others.
Melissa and Mykl were two more good friends
and dear people I did wrong because of my
dope habit. Melissa and I have found re-
conoiliation through honesty. Change and
forgiveness are possible in any situation »
|where sincerity is the foundation.
Real. Be real.
| Lydia from VT, impacted me with her
letter. She spoke of her own convictions,
fears and her struggle to rid herself
from a self-imposed prison. Her own self-
awareness mirrored mine, and we've formed
an amazing bond. She has a column in this
zine, I oan't keep her intelligence and
| passion to myself.

Joe Scales sald to keep it personal
| or he won't read it. It's personal. And I
{want to tell M. Christina Cruz in Ontario,
Canada I'm going to try to help those
psychological demons go away. Trust me,
| being medicated is not being sane, or
| healthy. Viva la Revalucion!

So, somehow through correspondence
with all the people mentioned above,.and ..
a few other friends, Wiener Soclety be-
came a reality. I realized it was something
T had to do. I owed it to myself and my
community to promote awareness and education
on the things I knew first hand. It was
my own personal activism that I could act
| ot Tron my prison bunk, where I 8it mow

3
with head phones on, blasting DK "Plastic
| Surgery Disasters.” Riot, the unbeatable
. high, tomorrow your homeless, tonight its
ja blast.

| This zine is not minme, it is not owned,
|1t 18 “ours", a part of our unified co-
|1lective. I stand for unity and equality in

all sub-factions of our scene today. Tolerance
|and equality mean what they say, we're all

{the same. T told Lydia in my letter to her

|I sent out tonight that this zine is a mmmitEmy
continuum, pieces of ourselves we offer back

to our totality, to have filtered back to us

| through responce. So respond. You are just as
|vital to wXs as I am, or Lydis and her travel log
|log from Italy, or Justin & the copy machine,
land Todd and his music reviews. Become an

active part of our resistance and write Some-
|thing, draw something, interview a band, take
|review a couple cd's, zines, books, take some
Ipletures of a show, of yourself. wWant to

|meet people 1ike you? Want to write me? Well,

get in touch.
| —NEIC

7
Tiuminatiin guise who seek to control the global blue skies,
but et they're tainted with crimson from the blood of ll the 7
innocent peaple wrongfully killed al for & master plan,
| tyranay,
repression and cultural genocide is your sole means,
it's what you eat and breath,
it's what you teach your children and all those who are naive and stupid
enough 1o follow.

Salvation is the spirit of your cause, subdivision of
the people is the cancer that nurtures your body which causes it to strengthen
! and grow, unification is the key to remission that is why you created
theso false religions and doctrines.

| ‘Through war, famine and diseases.
you've achieved your population mansgement control, through world

| wide economy and corporations you've obained poverty and exploited the

labor of both childrea and adult, through need to have materalstic

clements, ideas and concepts you've created the ultimate product, & virus that contains

| ‘and represses the mind and free wil. This is what you give our people.

Cultural and.

heritage movemeats are wasted ploys in the big game for they create subivision
and racism which nurtures the iluminati’s growth. It has been prophesied

and now it bas been fulfilled , it has taken 2000 years now the Knights of

Malta has risen by placing King George Bush on the throne, now the constitution
will be suspended and monarchy will rise.

| Now is the time t0 take down all
racial barrers and hold hands with all your brothers and sisters through out the:
| world to unify, to protect and to end the unjust. Look to the sky whe the
| rimson shows, hold up your arms, make a fist and listen to the stories of all
your brothers and ssters who have died behind the people in guise,
then you'll eceive the strength that is necessary to fight and
challenge the foe before its too late. ‘

|—Reky

8
! Hailng rom DetroR, Michigan is the hardcore band Faise Ideniiy. Formed in 1998 by

| tvee high school iends the band recorded thel debut release ° Hurs My Eyes.... I 1969, the
band reamanged the lineup moving their bassist over to gutar and recruling a new bassist. This

| new inoup reporded thelr second CD, a six song EP unifled simply "EP". By the year 2000 the
band st fl thelr was an ingredient missing an they found a seoond gutarist who has provided

| the band with the spark that they were looking for. The lineup is now: Mike DiLaura (D) - vocals.

“Tom Murenin - gutar

| . Stove Kurmas (SK) - gutar 2/

H Taras Shalay (TS) - bass

‘ Mat Sziaga - drums

wmmu;ym):nwwmwnummmumwmmwmm
wanted to do

| 'At about the age of 14 was when | started to lay gutar, | was s inerested in becoming a
musician a5 much 8 | was wih being I a punk band. Afte about two months | was aiready
‘M\flwmymwflpndlt-lw—»m-nld:uadmhm\mlllwlmmflfl

| Ws: What's up with Detroi, do you guys slam dance there o what?
TS 1 am Honesty disappointed with the Datrol scene, the coset thing o pits we see here are at
local hardcore shows. Here i Detrot the pure punk scene is fading and being repiaced by other
| Versions like hardoore and emo.

' WS: Why play hardcore and not something more accessible like pop?

S The onergy and the way the orowe reacis aro what keep me playing. | coukd wito songs that
ould sppoa e a wider audienos, but woukdn' be what | want to do. 1d find no satisfaction in
that.

R ——

M 0 1 8 OBy o s o
e T T o e e U
o
B vt o b et i e iy 3

| WS: What s ahead for Faise ertity?

TS/ el the mmediae uure okl 8o of oca shows as il s some I Canada and e
g saten Deyond thatwee ooking a g moresangs o ture relesses, hich

e a7 and a e acilon T*which wiany b sod curing our summer 2001 tour.
s e boun aaved to conouts 3 rsckcto & Subhumans rbdo abutht ATcane recorcs

| ok A et i on g oo e cr e bt

WS: Toll me the focus behind False Identit, why do you guys doit?
TS W do this because its what we love. We'd confinue o play this even If e could only draw 5
people to our shows. AS long a8 we st love what weTe doing we will continue fo do &

| WS: What's the best song on the new GD?
TS: Esch song has s own unique syle andl truy ove ‘e al. My favorite song o play live woukd
e “MTV* beoause Im sefih and It the one song | sing lead vocals on.

MD: Stop the Lies, just because I's a fast and energetic song that has a geat message.

| ws: You guys ever cut any vinyr?

o o o enseshove been i n CD, it wel hve soms iy svaiaie
o o kvt vl he i a1 pop tht you hear when you i e nesde
e ane yperv o o eyt rl688 e 1t C o, Wnen youe st
s you et vy poy con.

WS: Is patrotism & good thing? How do you feel about being American?
TS We sing & song calld “Palrot Teror" which deals with an experience in ou ives. One night
Nik Hydel {iiond of the band, suthor of the song), Mike and myself wero at party. Nick was.
earing an AntFlag patch that was ripped off and burned n ront of us by members of he U.S.

| iRy, Tey danced around i rd el countyavr e of matel. Wefe nl a-

J0
Amierican o pro-anarchy; we Just don't condone the extreme ideas o some so-caled patiots. I'm
proud 1 be iving n the most prosperous aton in the world, bu that doesnt mean our
government s perfect.

WIS: Where did the name of the band come from?
NO: | chose the name because | et it went slong well with a lc of the topics that we sing about. A
1ot of people n the world never show themselves that s thelr actua seives they show people who
they think that they want o see Instead of being true.

WS: Best two punk bands ever?
TS: | grew up fstening o the early Calforia tuff 50 Bad Religion has aiways been a personal
favorie of mine. Thel lyrcs ae what mako them mre appealing o me than any oher band. I'd
have o say the other band wold be Rancid because theyve never orgotte the foos and
managed to keep the od school sound aive.

MD: [d have o say Minor Threat and Rancd. Minor Thveat because they sang abot what hey.
believed in and it give a fuck what anyone efse sald and Rancid becase of the way they.
combine all theirdiffrent roots and combined them into someting that s 100% theks. No one
eise sounds fke Rancid.

‘WS: What are False Identity’s ethics, do you guys stand up against shit?
S: We're not an extremely pollical band, but we do have values. Songs fke Patrot Terror deals
‘with extreme patriotism and how Ks simia to fescierm, “MTV" and “Dont Conform deal with biindy
following thelead of others and saling yourself to corporatons.

WS: Do you participate In the hardcore crew thing?
TS: None of the crew stuff here. We have a close oup offiends that we'd stand behind no
matter what, but s far from a crew.

WS: Veganism or Big Mac?
S: Nelther, Its cheeseburgers for me even though | deeply respect people who have the strength
100 the vegan thing, takes a dsep amount of commitmen. | Go hate when some vegans take
to: miltant stance and start degracing others who don't share their

‘WS: What's your position on gun control?
S: Give everyone a gun and see wha's sl standing. Seriously though | don't think s ihe
‘govermert piace to place limits o the rights of s ctzens.

WS Is racism stil a threat to today's youth?
T5: No matter what people may thin racsm s stil a huge problem In this country. Unfortunately
Its a problem that there is no solution for. It impossible to change the aiude of every ignorant
person n the worid the best thing you can do as an individual s o reat everyone equal and
attempt o educats the gnorant, becauss some of them may be able o change.

WS: What drugs do you guys use?
°TS: Lets Justsay we'e fa fom being Straght Edge. There's no X's on our hands unless we're

g to be funny.

WS: One night stands, good or evil?
TS: Always good, not that e ever had one, but | imagine R would be fun.

WS: Would you tattoo your monYs name on your neck? Your Dad's?
TS: I they were on thelr deathbed and they asked me to. | tend to physicaly show my parenis.
affection. | would tattoo Todd's (our managers) sisters name on my dick though.

WS: Have any of you ever been arrested?
TS: As of yet none o us have been arested, but hanging around the Hoollgan House we've had
1un s with the cops that have ended with the house being raided and with me i cuffs face st on

the ground.
a
WS: A bar codes evil?

TS: Atthe moment | don' see them s evil but | can see the potential for ther to become evi
Right now | think they'rojust used to track Inventory, but inthe future you can see them
people’s purchases. | know Todd, our manager, wants o get a bar code with his social securly
Pumber tattooed on hifm because he ot fond of em and thnks the goverment treats s cltzens
e we'ro thelr property instead of them working fo us ke I supposed o be.

WS: What do you thirk of the death penalty?.
TS: 'm against 1, I a person deserves the death penaly d rather see them serve Ife then suffer
death. No persons God and no murder s jstied.

MD: s hard forme 1o say, on one hand | beieve that there are some people who deserve o die,
but on the other hand | ballove murder is wrong. Besides that | o't bellev tha the theat of the
1 death penally s an effective deterent to crme.

WS: Where would be the place to throw the False Identity dream show?
TS: St Andrews Hall in Detrol playing wih Bad Religion and Rancid, with those poopicks Blink
182 being our roadies. (1 never forge the day when | watched a Bad Religon show ith 14,000
12 year-old gits; Bk 182=communism, Don't conform to thelr gnorant ways)Nick says Teras is
a cheosy son of a bich)

'MD: Giman Stree playing with Minor Threat and The Vandals (i thelr prime). What couid b
belter than that?

WS: Read any good ziies ately?
TS: None o us regularty read zines, me perscnally since | room with Todd and he's big ito the
zine culture | plck up wht he leaves on the table.

‘WS:Is the Detroit scene doing things for hardcare?
TS: The hardoore scene s huge hera. There are some great bands that everyone shoukd check
out; bands fike Bottomed Out and Fordrelfesake are amazing. I some of the labels tarted
checking ou the soene here we'd soon be taking over the hardcore scene. Punk Planet referred to
the local band Michael Kright as "everything Spazz wishes they wore.*

MO: Like Taras said the hardcare scene Is big here, but d have to say the punk scene in general
s decing because the scene been broken Ino o many dfferent clque's. There's @ bunch of
Infighing and no Unity what so ever.

WS: Is homophabia a problem in Detroit?
TS: 1 don't think s that big of a problem here atleast not I the punk scene. I'm not saying t
dossnt exis us tha we really haverrt had to dal wih .

WS: What about g

gangs?
"TS: Gangs aren't a big problem considering we're such alarge cy. We have a big probiem with
‘senseless vidlence but s not gang related.

WS: 15 punk rock il pnk rock?
TS: Ao we taling punk 8 you and | now o th caroonish generccrep tht the malnsiream
riea o pass off s purk. | ik there's some great purk o hers f some people ur of the facko
and openthlr ings {0 somelhing tht ha been fofoed fed on them by he medi. $1op GoRG (0
| corporate owned recrd sores and ht e mom a popstores an the malorder diiros because
hats where you'lind the real st

WS: Sum up False Identity's politics n one word?
| TS:UNITYIl The whole goal o False Identiy i to once again unke althe ciques that punk has.
been broken up ntojus i I used to be.

a5
WS: Want o say anything to the scene?
T5: | want tothank you for allowing us to do this nterview. 1'dalso ke to tharik everyone that's

supported us. | really need to thank Todd fo everything he's done since he's come on board. I'd
also ke to remind ever/one that there's so many problems Inthe viork that we punks don't need
to'tart our oan playing scene polics, punk rusic s punk music 1o matter what label you want to

paceon
Witte us at False Identty/PO Box 180983/Utiva, Mi 48318-0983. 27

Discography

2000 Hurts My Eyes...” Sef released CD.

2000“EP" Salf reloased CD

‘Goming soon: The song “Society” n the upcorning SUBHUMANS tribute cortp from Arcane

Records.

It’s almost as if we’re sleeping outside

! and the distorted thoughts of sleepiness -
are becoming louder than the meeting of lips

a7
Skinhead History 101

By: Eva of Tri-County Skinzine
2!
[
from. If you disagree with something I've got in here (I dont claim to be 100% perfect), let me
S

The first wave

The skinheads of th late 605 were an outgrowth ofthe Mod culure, nfluenced by the
Jammaican immigrant Rudeboy cuture.

Mods were a product of working-class Bilsh youth of the mic-sites, They cressed
icely, aimost effeminately, usualy wearing expensive sults (sharkskin and toric were — and st
are ~very popula) as well s high piced Fred Perry plos, Ben Sherman button downs,
Lonsdale spot clothes, and Harrington or sheepskin jackets. For i reason they were.
sometimes accused of emating te middie class (no unifke many poor and worling class
toenagers of the US today who spend their cash on $175 sneakers). Mod gl cut their har
short and were as cbsessed wilh appearance a thei male counterpars. The grs favored
heavy eye makeup and pale fpsticc Uil the Rockers, ancther subculre o the same time
period, mainstreem Mod culure exhibted some gender equalty.

“There were outgrowths of Mod culure, incuding Scocterists, who ode fne taian
‘scooters, usually Vespas and Lambrettas, decoraing them with miors and shiny accessories,
s wel as Hooligans, who assoclate in gangs centered around a partcular foctbll team and
a9 vicrt ga Vartre an i foctad arace of Enganc. Antherclgrowth vasthe Hard
Mo, or Skn

‘Skinheads were the Mod Kids who were more ntresied inlooking toughthan in
fllowing other Mod pursus (such 2 ar, architectur, and all things shagadoic). They wero the
Hods who went ou and got menacing bizz cuts and added a fow more thngs 1 thelr Wardrobe.
These Skinheads were sussed they sl wore the suits and other Modemistcoing as
‘mentioned sbove when they went out st right, butthey also wore American mads Lew Jean:
‘and Alpha Fight Jackets, thin suspenders (braces) and Doc Marten boots during the daytme.
s gave them the harder, more working cass appearance that eveniualy distinguished them
from Mods atogether.

Siinheads istened o the music o the immigrant Jamaican population ~the Rudeboys
— which was chiefly Ska and Rocksteady (precurscrs to moder Reggas). By day, Skinheads
‘went 0 school and o work (fthey could find a ob,tha s —unemployment in Brain was high,
and many kids went o the dole straight out o high school. By night,when they weren' looking
tofin trouble, doing what any sireet gangs of the ime would do fo kcks; Skinheads went ino
the Jamaican dancehalls and istened tothe lates nimparted Ska tunes.

Miods used amphetamines, Rudeboys smked marjuana, Skinheads drank beer. As
With the Mods, the Skinhead gis dressed lie he Skinhead boys, cu their harshart and got
Intojust as nich trouble (rlaively speaking — troubl fo agi and touble for @
iffrent definionsther). Rudo girs, Skinhead girs and Mod girs also wore mini new
fashion rend of the 805 wiich at the ime was considered oerated, yet aleo risqué, and largely
disapproved of by conservative aduls.

By the carly 705, Skinheads were being seen onthe sireetsless often than they had
nthe summer of 1965 A the Mod Kids o a few years before had cu thi hai and became
Stins, the Skinheacs were now growing thelr hairout and substitting loafers and bels for boots
and braces. They wer the Suedeheads. They went to dancehal, got married, and grew up.

The second wave

By 1977, the phenomenon of Punk Rock, which had been growing n the UK scene
since the early 705, had exploded nto the mainstream Brish word. it was rebellous, wid, and
rough around the eciges. Once again, there were tough kids on the streets ofthe UK. But i
-...m-mu,vmmu_mpmmm-wmam-w_wmnwafi
‘own. Punk Rock became an con of the calege campus, and the original evolt had lost ks
meaning. .
"™ Then, thero was a bacash, Sireetpur, abeled “OI” by th Skinhesd and Sun
Journalist Gery Bushel for s igh powered sound; emerged from the sreets o London. This
was Purk for the woring class Kics. This was the musi that brough Punk back (o the streets

whersit belonged. Along wih the Sireepunk trend came a revval o Skinheads, The dd
Siinhéad values - o being tough and working class — were applied o Purk. Afew of the
original 1969 Skinheads had come back around, bt the majorty of Sinheads in 1978 had
ever even heard of Ska o ther Mod/Rudeboy roots. The remaining original Skinheads
ricize his new broed because they lacked the fashion sty of Sins of the past— whie
orginal Skinheads wore biuo jeans and wife-beaters during the days, they managed to dress in
e best Fred ey and Ben Sherman shits they coud afford when they went out at right. This
second wave of SKinheads wers ol 50 stylish - they stuck t the uiform of Lew jeans, wark
boots, braces and fight jackes. For this they were called “Bald Purks" by some, butust lan
rouble by most.

I the Unfted States, Skinheads were even futher rémoved from thlr past odts. In
New York Gty ancther backiash fo Punk Rock was born: Hardcore Purik. Hardcore, ke
‘Sheetpunk, rought the music back to the kids ofthe sirees. And the Skinheads loved i
New York Glty Skins of the early ‘805 had never heard of any Ska or Of bands. There wero
thousands ofthem,fo outnumbering the Purks. They dct wear Doc Martens o Fred Perry.
Just Lowi Joans and work boots, tyles barowed ffom the Purks. Both Oil and Hardore Skins
held working class Purik beliefs, but were never nto the wid,atention getting cothing that gave:
shock vaue o the Puriks. No leatherackels, prk mohiawks, o studded bels for them. Just T-
‘Shits and bue Jeans mas o the time.

“These Hardcore Skins were more viclent than their contempararies, the Punk Skis, in
the UK (ycuths of the US a5 a whole were moro vilent overalat this ime). As rminals, both
Qroups were probebly worse than the riinal Skins of 1969.

“Then, scmething happened. Polics infitated the SKinhead scene, and the workd was.
forover changed. In the UK, groups fke the Natonal Front had been recruling SKinheads as
foolslcersfor ther it wing ideais.

“The ariginal Skinheads of the fte 19608 were by N0 means ant-acis! angels from
heaven. As were most working class whies n the UK a th tme, most Sinheads were ety
bigoted by today's PC standards. They listened to Jamalcan music and went ino biack
dancehalk, but st refered to blacks a5 “darkies” and used dther derogatory slang. However,
they did support werking class ideals common o ot wing poltic, an wero notright-sing. They
wero defintsly not Nazis, ether~ the UK of the 0 stl borsthe scars of the Second Word
War,and any pariotc UK cize (as most all Sinhoads were) ok prids n being ant-Nez.
Butthen, history Was ro-writen. A group of Punks formed a band caled Skrawver, and put out
an album tha o tis day nflences Streetpunic sounds. A year laer, th singer refarmed the
band and suddenly they were a Skinhead band. Racis, polficaly moivated Skinheads. Coring
‘ot of nowhere, they caimen o represent the enire Skinheac scene wih thelr music and way of

e,

Nobody who knew Skinheads fiked Skinheads. They were trouble makers and street
thugs. But even in 1984, nobody would have called them racsts. Then, one day, a few twisted,
racist Skinheads appeared on the Donahue show, Combined with the eforts of Skrewdriver
(who worked s0 hard to make the world bellevethat Skinheads wer racists above allese), the
American media made Skinheads Into monsters. Suddenly, everyone thought Sinheads were
racist. Tis bad reputaton kiled the Skinhead scene in most ciles (by this pointt had spread to
major cities all over the US, the UK, and Europe),

"Afow Punk and Ol bands stuck around, but most ofthem broke up. Ol shows were
rare, and many young neo-nazis began caling themselves Skinfeads.

The third wave

By the mid 90s, Skinhead was sirong again, and thatstrength continues today. Many
of the American and Brtish Skins who frstshaved their heads n the carly '80s reappearod,
back with more foroe than ever. 15 year old Punks across the world shaved theirheads, 100, and
‘anew Skinhead scene was )

Skins of today are a mix o the Mod/Rudeboy Skins of the lte 19605 and the
PunkiHardcore Skins of ho carly 1980 They lsten to everything from Roots Reggae to modern

aa
HC — as wel s Ska, Rocksteady, Reggas, Rockabily, Oid Wave Rock, Purk, Of, Hardoors,
1 over Brt Pop and Rap, Some are Traditonai, only identiying with the origina Skinhead roots.
s most appreciate all aspects of Skinhead histary,inchuding the

Others onlyfsten to Oil or HC.
. stlethe Mods, Scooterists, and Hodligans.

| Note: This ting sn't finished -1 il need to go back and add names of bands and quotes and
Inoad histary. | probably have @ fow detals wrang here and

| Sht bt e asi o o Sin
| S you have any questons o comments, send me an emal. beatskinG@skinhead net

To getyour hands on a copy of Tri-County,
sent $2 per zine (there are 6 issues) to:

PO Box 12025, Gainesuille, FL 32604 |

] B.F.D. 1s an expression I've always used.
Big Fuckin Deal. Even had a ba nd named o
! that once. You know the who-fuckin-care-or-
ever-will attitude that is So cool to assume
when you are an aloof and indestructable
know-1t-all. Big Fuckin Deal, cause I don't
give a fuck. Nothin matters anyway, we'Tre

all dyin right? So fuck it. Fuck you. Fuck
me. Fuck the world, Fuck it all msn, cuz I
don't care. Nothin worth it. Life is sucky.
Big fuckin deal.

Then I came to prison with a long time
to do. That was a blg fuckin deal. Slapped
me silly. What the fuck happened? Why
didn't I give a fuck just a little more be-
fore it was too late? Cause man, I just
fuckin didn't used to care. Well, T started
caring about alot of shit. The little things.
Having my own refridgerator. Going outside,
at my own will, Taking a shit in privacy.

Not having to wear thongs in the shower be-
cause you could catch foot fungal. Drinking
a beer. Going to a show. Using a telephone
with direct dial, Wearing my own clothes.
Playing my Fender. Bong hits. Having sex,
good sex, two people kind, Being free, Punk
| rock vinyl collection. Fruity Pebbles.

Big fuckin deals to me now, B.F.D.

I woke up.

I still use B,F.D., but now it means
Better Fuckin Day. I'm gonna have one. Each
day 1 get closer to kaxe a second chance I '
get to have in 12 years. Last chance to never
come back. Today 15 going to be a Better
Fuckin Day, cuz I'm growing into a whole-
fucking-lot.

A

—,

Althiough some fiterary works are intended
merely (0 entertain the reader, most works con-
| tain a message that the writer wants to convey.

£
£28&2Gutter-Death2 2 £ 228

(--8ay hello to my best fiend Pony, & guy doing ifs, who' getting older and by
‘mecting me has opened his mind & 10t since our firstlong cliat. This guy has ot of
potential a fr a3 earning to hope, but negativity stll keeps him dows; 1 don' know what
it would fed ke knowing You're never getting out of prison. 1 have a Iot oflove fo this
8uy, just remember tha fillerence of oinion and an el docsa’t mean therc's no way (o
elate. il

“Gutter-Deatt: Tight comparisen o old school punk term with the dbvious
diftrence this gene has ong flowing man hair and can play thel gear.

“Prom the puttee come my bt wishes for the few who choose o read the
following. 1 don't care ifyou'e a recist, or sharp skin, gay or straight. You el have cars
Yam burnt on the drama 1 see or read about. Whitey did this, they'rs taking over our
country, it all weak one sided.

‘This colum is in memory of the good days when my hand made it in the
checkbook and panty drawer. To the it 50 good days, when 1 had to bit someone's
randma in the back of the pants to put the money together for a shot.

Aler many years of wanting to be heard and sceing no way for this o happen,
1y bro. Baby Boy, o Neil as the commonra kmow him, has gven me the gf of volce.
'And ome word keeps nagging me, honesty. There has never been much need for It in my
lif; my goals have elther been & bottle o spoon. Except for musi. | turned 30 a couple
of ays ago and to my best reciation Ve never cven heard a Black Flag song. My punk
history up until 10 months ago was some song about Lia n the cty (rabo and fice), one
called e a Toe Soap and youuve Just another laggot. Metal, s that dicty word Is my
existence, whether it is Death, Black, Grind, Speed or justplin Heavy. Of course for the
most pat Meta i the running joe n the punic circle. There really 7o comparisons to
our two genres. Just as you have 1o put up with Green Day and the Offspring being
halled a3 punk rock while they rake in money in such large amounts they havo begun to
belicve the lic themselves. 1 deal with the shame of Papa Roach, Korn, and Lame.
Wimpiski being called Nu Metal, while my brothers and sisters of tra integity v ten
decpin a 77 shot out family van, playing for beer, food and gas money fo the nxt g,
Soets cut out all the plasti bulishit and get to what counts.

With the hope of sceing my two oldest sons ater 7 plus years have taken the
stat of CA up on their invitation to appear at my wites Custody hearing. But, of course,
anyime you put yourself out ther to go up against the system they're oing to poke at
you for a lte fun. So instcad of being taken from my pad at Mule Creek State Pison.
Tuesday morning and driving to my 10am hearing which was only 30 minutes away, was
taken nearly a week ahead f time to another prison entirely and placed in the hle while
awaiting my court date. So, as 1 it here in my new house In thi tired ass hall century old
ot listening to the cells to my right put together some lame D & D game. The cells to my
Jef el about the hinas and fat bank, when all three individuals couidn' put together the
priceof a small tube of Colgate t canten, T1 finish my writng fo the hella cool Wiener
Society.

My frst trip to the city of “real love?, New York, NY, 1 would find myseif among.
the whores of the nighlife, of course. Having a hooker n tow is really win, win thing
‘when touring a new scene. 1mean lets be real, as long as you have funds t buy a bag,
big o small, you keep company with a woman who Wil stlle and call you baby s you
poke and prod every orlice of her broken down tred body. And it anly gots better, she
also knows all the o 1.D. required Motels and arcas to stay away from the man and gangs
and best of all she kaows where to score the bizomb sack..

s My New Lady “Candy” and I stroll the filth that is New York, we turn to walk
down the stairs o & somewhat menacing subway tunnel. As we male our way down, its
ot the winos with thelr bloated livers and rat cating foet or the scents of cmptiness that
caught my attention, but the voices of men beyond the last step. Of course Candy would
be 1o help at lstening with her forever running nose and cramping guts, she s 10 hard
at work rying to keep her sl working for her. She hears nothing!

When we finally got over the last stcp and around the corner | didn't expect to be.
grected by a group of guys () sporting 1963 Quiet Riot shag, stonewash 501's and at

33
| teast four pairs of white Nike high-tops. Looking back | guoss t was e way theso guys

e el commersation dhat aade my ady Candy step back and say, 1 dont
B amd oo voys e g the works bt 1 e bcks bad and 1 st
it o o stamp

e gave the mpresion e wanted the whole workd fo know bis faly was
e e s ane of then was saying some wey out i bout Ronald McDorald
e rther crccching bout & gt Na i & whie covbay ha.

b o how 1 elove y et cocounter with the boye rom M.D.C. came
abont, 1 meee ek dowtie CD, MDG ad More Dead Cope, was oo of the st ons
et o ot A8 & atie of fact | belleve§ had o male sz the other
B D e o St o gt his it oy Wingers Oreatest it (o on sided <)
B it o vh grecn hght o he weekend trade. The frst ting that it e when |
e S o smash wis Ging t g nlo . Some o th best surprse albums
o ook Al nave & ch o e st epi, Theres oot bt o be
T oot ot going into Uk o Justcrackin into yous older brother’s collection
ot b e, s (st gy outl M.D.C. are caacly what 1 ped
o ok would e, sy, sigresoive nd Igh- harted
! 1f Kerry King's (Slayer) t-sirirt told the truth and 1 am really god, with my new
anding it o bl oy e of course mylgions o ollwrs, et the
e o SE. T can come o, who nocds these 1ds sczcamio in your car that
e ek, ok, do dope o e the meat of g’ i ceatres, Theyre
e ety T wasa very o g hat 1 was ten. When was 141 was fuckin’
g dope and inking ke a s And every Kid around me was dong the same, o at
o et e ofthe above accomplished. Do we ealy eed this scourge? No
e avi & waste s beatJearsofthls s sober apd oclbate and then
o eun St ol vy Tocie peron i Sight. Whiey peasel W.D.C. s the
el Srsight Bie for e FOOLL
ot of o 50 o e i of commercal rock bands whose plastcftcgrty
T o avaye, never to b dealed by hei sccond album. The pusmpldne, pearls,
e eomt o the your car f Amesc the ro Deaih Meal". There ar couness
e vt thet coul e s e i ofth genre. Obituay, Cancer,
et Caniival Corpee and Pesience al omo o mind.

e o ok it el Aghts | ncan 1 writing about Metal i a punkc-
corezine. s e i ot o knw Wha D tling about. 1 am tling you about the
ot iy made Jeous Chiists asshol pucker In arl Decides Deicide”
T oo, o ar the v estibent brought by Ble himell Bvery aspect
e o ot s s, Two words re obvious when istening t Glen Benton's
e e it s, oy aioe with fce pa and & sword can tlc about Satan.
e o e apen the s wih truth o Gl doc. Ifyou are drummer oF
B et a sk i b wih a 7ucchins it thoughts of Tommy Le, you have
e esmamiog of Stcve Asheln on e two albums. He has caried on the
O e v Lomberdo (laye). The brothers Hoffan p thei sculle 1o the
masier also whi cleariog thelr own pa.

e e ey o you want to writ,tell n | suck or ant fo tlk music
| ro oy o S, e i i P, i l cart o L By
O . iy o it o k. Remeraber s | i s to bate cuz |
B o o B e+ 315875 + M.C 5.7 - PO Box 409000 e, CA 93640
\r—mufl,mcufluflxmwmmw:mummwnu-mlmnykm-pmkm
ey i s with cnogh ant-ciac t 1 i)

B!

3!
' 3
! BACKPACK WORLD T

.ll i By Lydia

1¢s strange what drastic measures it takes for me o realize I'm alive. Wandecing
through the woods with my pack 1 till needto remind rayself o ook around. As my eyes

begin to sray from the well-worn trai off to the side aud thea deeper into the woods, [ notice
0 many things. | can't quite understand what i is exactly that males the forest beautiful. But
that s the word I can use to describe what I el radiating from the groenness surrounding me.
‘Now that I'm out here twenty-four hours a day I ealize bow e time I spend outdoors in my
regular lfe, Everything scems more manageable s take it a stcp at u time. I tll rip and fall
on my butt lot, but it's easier t pick myself up and keep plodding along. 1o longer fe like

! P conquering nature; anything but. She s allowing me to travel upon her and experience her

sifs

Purple mushrooms sprouting from luscious, moist moss remind me of some cartoon
1 saw when I wos lte. I dida’t realize that they existed i such vibraat realit. They grow in
it purple forests among the moss. The color itself s 50 pure and | realize that the cartoons.
dida't create imaginary mushrooms and flowers, the atststol ther sketches from ife. Now I
have time tosi sleatly upon a rock and rest wile imbibing the infinte miracles constantly
occurring around me. Nature s full oftricks and mysteries that only she knows the answer for.

'No matter how much [ ever learn plant’s names, and enimal's behaviors [ will pever
stop being uterly impressed by tres, and rocks, and birds. Simple hings which we don't
‘consider important in culture today. Simple beings that dox' care sbout computers,
{elevisions, phones, Nintendo, aud cars. Creatures that are considered inferior, but which know
50 much about their ow survival. Their intincts re something that we will never understand.
How dobirds know o migrate? How do trees create 5o much while standing rooted? We look
10 God for grend signs. What do we wat, flashing neon lights, show tunes, snd a decent.
smack i the face? When I open my eyes and take themn offthe muddy trail of ootprints, when
Istop following th steps someone placed in front of me ke directions for a dance, whea I it
my head and take the effort to tur it around 1 am humbled by the miracles which continue:
constantly. Time has no meaning to the ancient trees who have witnessed thousands of
seasons. Schedules have absolutely no application in the orest.

T'm i o rush to move from my cold, had resting place. The sun s brillant today
and it flutters through the trees creating shadows of the leaves rusling on the forcst floor. A
slug slowly wanders up the rock next to me leaving i’ slmy trail bebind. | think about how I
s to squcal t thi slippery orange pest, but now I wonder at i. Something must be special
about this orange lctle blob for nature to allow it to flourish. Slmy trails cove the forest floor
o this damp day, ovidence that many otbers slther along their ways. Someone once told me
that i you put a bowl ofalcohol out it will killth siugs because they will drink themselves 1o
death. Ta't it sod that we tink own cestain plaots and call them gardens? The plants on these:
unlabeled teritories belong exclusively to s 50 animals beware, we have pesticides o prove
our power to you. But animals don’t understand these civilized ules and unknowingly they
find themmselves poisoned by chemical spray. 35
Bt those bite thoughts oppress my mind and get me nowhere. [ would rather absorb some
lessons on how to live. I seem to have forgotten and the knowledge is slow o return. Out here I
el mysefrlaxing and some innato qultytaking over. Tension heldin my shoukders for
‘months melsand my muscies fcx, strengthening with each step uphill. New melodis lont
through my mind inspired by the whispering of tres, babbing brooks, ad buzzing insets.
T've even adapted to the constant monotonous bum of bugs in my ear. I no longer whine at
e buzzing inmy foce. My hands instineivly brushthem away without the irtation o my
‘mind.

| My mind s somewhere ese. This s the qulity diffeentiating us from the animl
| ingdom but mistakenly taken for an argument of our supeioiy. I wonder where thess
thoughts come from because know i’ not al taken in from my physical envirooment. Maybe
somewhersinside my cell and DNA aod geoes, coded somewhere e these thoughts with
directions on when and how to sppear magcally to my consciousness. Somehow | doub this.

! Pain from my aching back has faded. Now I sc2 what wimps we ae. Life bas been duled by our
responsibiltes and duties. We ae sucking out the plessure and ricking ourselves nto believing
that wo don't deserve it

Ireach stram and pause to get moro wate. Leaning my pack against a res I reach
into pul out my wate iter. The wate rickling from this mountain spring bubbles while
Bowing over wom pebbles and swifly splashing dowa o oin with slightly larger streams and
50 0n. Following ntricatc, weaving paths like the veins in eaves or people. Eventually meeting

‘ith bigger and bigger bodiesof water untlsillng ot ntothe cean. Bat this water which

| appears to be fowing from the center of the carth s ot pure. 1 lsten to the wate siosh and
‘swirl through the it as I quickly pump. My arm gets sore and I switch o th otber side. |

| can’tse th tiny organisms who poliute my water but 1 imagine humaity i th guily party for
| inserting then here. Now the big companies even make money off water. Even our basic

| mecessitesaro beginning t costus. Pure water i saroe i it exiss

| T wander on my way with new bottles of water adding s ltle extra weight
to my pack. As the day settles to an end I try to concentrate more on the moment
again. My energy is consumed attempting to focus only on thoughts of the wild, but
civilization seeps into the corners of my mind and I reaize it is not something I can
ever truly escape. The idea of becoming a hermit hiding among the mountains is
pleasant but somehow not the answer, T will return home to the land of indoors. Once
again I will be absorbed by computers and gas prices, alarm clocks and electricity.
Can I find a balance? There must be a plac to live between worlds. Change has come
and vill come again. I cannot go back to the woods, but that does ot leave me
hopeless. Humanity is as beautifl as it is ugly. I can sil choose to make peace with
the world around me.

This desperate lonely man
Wandering in the strects
‘Wandering the dark night

‘The forgotien in the Promised Land
Have you ever noticed?

Do you really care?
Will you lend a helping hand?
Compassion is just so rare

Do you have ariy feclings?

Can you look at them as human beings?
Do you consider them evil?

Or just oot real people

| When you pass do you look away.
Afraid of what they might say
Rush to get them out of your sight
Don't care about their plight
This desperate lonely man
‘That you pretend not to see
He has a name just like you and me

This desperate lonely man
‘That you pretend not to hear

He has a piace.

He's part of the human race.
Ifyou were dealt a different hand
‘That could be you in his place.
Digging through the garbage can
‘What would you do in that case?

-Todd

37
1 know it's sick and twisted...
sometimes in life,

we gotta fight ourselves;

to find out reasons why.

is it ¢ark in here?

are we all messed up?!

legacy of feelings...

hate becomes love,

Le?

s0 while you hide...
i fend off the world,
cut me to pieces:
open new wounds.

your fingers speak...
of all the ways:
you trace

from between your lems.

try to wipe it away,
...1 know 1t's now or never,

why couldn t you be her

1'11 always love;
always what we weres
so while 1 die...

fall to pieces; &
1 will stand and refuse.’

1 hear your words...
as they filter back to me.

—-neil.

8
{Holiday in the Slammer 1

s December ate November and the days cantinued fo become colder, somehow o
eliday sprt spreng up hre i the dismal wall of Ml Creek State Prison. Usialy days of
celebraion For myself (a sometimes dislusioned yaung an i priso) are st another day in
alife spen away from freedom, nhappy,angry and anel. Days, i which have o iy fo
share it with, i love to bas in, o cheer fo genrate ar 1o el Just nother day 1o it in
iy cell and shut mysef o from everyone. Just another day fo step foo ono the prisen
yord and wander aimlessly ina confinual go-no-where cicle on a cofinul go-no-where frack.
Avother day to have smal alk conversatians with other guys being as supeficil as X, cs we
ill bt reizing he futlty of prison s cttle-uhipped men, unfree.

The dope fiends mingle i small o or hree man clisters,shifty eyes,Hchy noses,
idgety hands, bouncing from person 10 persan. Humanoid pinbal' fooking for who has the
bag, who'sghing ot fronte, uhas ot the good shit and desperately sooking ut Tt small
v they can sne back o theircel, thow i a spoon and then put ito ther ven.

The winas bickering o lughing, walking aound aelling i pruno (hamemode wine,
s bt sweet ke three day old Cico), being obnoxioue, tarting igh, lowing o st
being drunk

Yord rats are ot there oo. Always gathering info fo the man. Theyre nvisible
who ko who th piedge loalty 10 th green iform. Some of them we il know, mary
othens remcin confidentialinformants, usally those decpest i debt o even the gy seling
you your §50 lce of heroin, Or he guy binging t . Ratting your fello inmates off is.a
bigger addiction han dope. Everyone on this fucked “sensitve needs” yord s ratted af
least once. For most it was amatter of life or death. Guys locked-up off a yard owing
Hhousands in dope debts, knowing a knife fo the back or arazor across he Jugular ill b the
enly payment he can gve hi cannection, o be boaked for what he awes. You pa your debts
or you gt stabbed-up. Basc risen policy. If he was fo put a rife inthe comection he'd
have to take out every dude that was the connection's homeboy, then the dude's that the that
‘#he connection owes are gaing to be coming looking fo collect. No way to win. Theihole’s foo
deep. Instead, he approaches the man with the badge, scys he's in danger of being whacked
and he locks-up straight o ad-seg(the hole)with enery cancerns. In ad-seg h gives up info
o fryaf gtting o sesitve neede yard, ful o guys ust ke him. To safefy. Usually he's
fossed back out anto a hardyard insome ather prison fo duck, dodge, lie and hide until he
runs nother debt up o someona fingers him as alack-up cas at which fime he's are o get
got. This time a couple stab wounds to go with him back fo the hole.

Then there are the dropouts, the guys who played th policshar. The guys hat
stabbed and Killed for thir prisonganga. Got deep o into beingastaight fool ecking for
that crazyreputation,that either-got ied of the games, the power struggle, he sellngout
of *friends” nd famly, the weak lnksor they got caight up nd got themaeives stabbed.

Victims, rats, drop-outs, child molesters, rapist, state-protected witnesses, the
worst and the best (who just made one mistake o who did the right thing, who can say who's
rightand wha's wrong?),the weak o the strong. They al end up on the ather sde, n a
protective custody yard. They're all marked, unable to set foot in an active general
‘Ppopulation yard without getting ventilated. Theyre all fogether here in “safety”.

'No 1,000 man prisonyard cald be frouble free: geed, adiction,the game of
power av alhabits the covic cart seem o shake and tragiclly many coot give-up tllng
and the end up working fo the man. Kind of a toxic environment, one however that 1 find
mysef in. Ha, e drop-out Nz, the e, the wino, the Kid who got 100 deep nfa he
atal game o prison polfis, dope scams n i image raciem. The kid wha couldt play o

more..The fuckir P.C. The guy, who ran up debs, fumned in a kife, got Jumped and fold on
the skinheads who fried o use me I thei polfcal games. The skinheads who fried 1o use me.
s awarhead with aknife, which fried fo force me o stab fo prove my racia loyalty. The
‘same ones who now went- 1o put a knife in me and watch the lihts in my eyes die forever, stil
o his day. The guys that T willnever forger. The guys who wilnever forget my decision fo
fuck-over the skinheads that T used o be a part of .

“Ths side, the end of the line. My home, alone. Who would believe fhat T would find
e peope here 1o care for, to befriend, and fo be real with? My gutter-purk homie RIf-
R, my best friend the Slayer worshipping pagan Pony, Sparky the Danzig groupie who got
stabbed seven fimes before koncing P.., Flames, Chence, Kane. You know, L was never-a frue
individual until T became a validated profective custody inmate. T never knew myself, al that
T knew was image, reputation and being somebody. That was the game that I was dropped
into, the game fhat fucked me. No more rules thaugh, no more prefending, no more palitcs to
dictate. On this side I could choose o confinue fo fool myself or fo be myself. So, of course,
my world changed, changed. But the time didr't the cel didt, the menfality of being
locked up remained. That wort ever changs how coud 112 Freedom Is freedom and
incarceration ls Incarceration.

T et a guy ramed Bandit. Since coming fo Mule Creek State Prison in Northern
Californa on an hours-long bus ide shackled and jump suifed I mainly laid low deciding that T
‘was my own mst frusted company. My hair spiked up n disarray ane day and put up in my.
best James Dean pompadour the next. T would walk the frack, eyes hidden behind sunglasses,
my gait one of mellow contemplation. T would think, istrocted by the blue sky caling fo me.
abave the gun fowers and razor wire horizon, ignaring those around me, finding myself lost in
‘thought, wendering, questioning. Bits of rap music clogged my haze as T passed a fable
‘srrounded by Black guys playing dominos and T smiled af the beat. There was a form of
freedom here. T was surrcunded by lavery, but the sun was out and so was L. T was ving
with a homosesual friend of mine, which of course inited a ot of rumors around the
population about the strange, punky, kinny guy with the white power fattoos being-celed up
with @ know Mexican queer. T had fo be gay, right? I couldt care what people thought, T
was past that poin in my ife. T eft my reputation ina broken heap somewhere on that.
prison yord T used fo be askinhead on. 1o longer fried o make people perceive me in @
certain way. T did't care i people alked behind my back or called me.a fag. Regardless, T
will be whoever I want fo be.

T came out of my cellone day, walked dow the steel stairs ino the packed day
room of my block and hrough the noise of card games, footballon the TV and dozens of
different conversations Bendit caled me over to.a fable. He sat smilig, is deep dimples
froming his beautiful smile, is eyes brown ike my own, ke his skin and they were gorgeous.
T scw he deep scar on his neck where someane fried fo steal his lfe, through the blood
rurming from his opened jugulor. T saw his fattoos, the Nuestra Raza just under his Adants
cpple, the two black stors and T knew he use fo be one of those bad motherfuckers. We
talked, he started fo it and this urge fo know him deeper began 1o unfurl o flirted back.
Before I knew f we were talking about our bi-sexuality, about music and about relationships
i the joint. T admitted fo never having ane in prison and somehow knew that given the
chance would with him. Somehow not month later it happened. My od celie freaked out
and has not spoken fa me since. T found reality wrapped insfrong arms, legs entwined under
asheet, late of night fallng asleep on his chest. He wasr't bandit anymore, he was Ricky and
he was mine. Tn a few months we were i ove, something that ie never inagined, somefthing
we never knew existed. Two men from dif ferent backgrounds, ot of bagaage, different
autlooks but with one focus, cach ofher. Who ever thought that i prison, behind these walls
there existed love. Existed.ife fo share.

Ho
i T gave my heart 10 this man, inan amazing way. The ofher night I realzed ifs been
early 5 montha now, 5 month of growth, trust and infensity. Our celis home, a pace of
1 solace, and a chamber of embodiment. T sit here now at the foot o his bed, he's lying down
waiting for me fo come and crawl up under the blanket.
Last month was my first halday behind bars that T was confent. T had someone fo
be excited with, someone 1o lov, and someane fo ive fo. Ricky blew my mind; he handed me
1 @ box o daye befare Christmas that was wrapped in strips of brown paper bag. The card
1 read *something to bring back memaries.” T ipped it open. Peeling open the box the first
| thing T saw was a rinning skul, a yellow and biack skul, ust ik the cover art of my favarite
Misfite lbum, Reaching n T pulle out a foot lng skateboard. Painfed black, the Misfits
logo perfectly detailed befween two pieces of grip fape. I flipped it over to find my name,
Neil inred drippy letters between e silver rucks capped with white wheels. *Ts al
cardboard, he said,°T had this quy make i for you. T know how mich you love sateboarding
and Mifits are your favorite band_yau know. Merry Christmas, the grip fape s bread and

| gt
T was cimst speschiess. AllT could say was how much I lovéd f,how different t
was, T would keep I forever (1 was faken ina recent search of my cell. It wos considered
contraband for being “imate manufoctured". 1t was crushed by the C0!s boot before.
getting thrown in @ ag with extra sheets T waar’ alowed either._heortiess)and how real
fooked. He smiled: X tharked him with a kiss. The next day T asked him If he was ready for
. Our cel door was oper; we were getfing ready 1 leave. 1 pulled up my long seeve and he
| followed my eyes 1o my forearm where 3 back letters were newly fotfooed there, RGM.,
| Ricky George Marfinez. T would never forget him. I gave him something tht would last
longer than my own ife, something that wauld represent my love for him even ag my dead
| body was lowered info the ground. Tf I could T would brand I on my heart. T kiow this woit
last forever, an of us could g to the hole any day, nything could happen, and ife i pison s
| unpredictable. Even if we separate, even if w part, even if we go ou own way he willdways
be the first person-that oved me. T the real m, naf the guy who fooled everyane, not the
1 fake hater, not he drug addict who would kil or a fix, not the lar, the image, but me,
1 someone none of my ofher loves not even my ex-wife hasever known. He was the first ard
| these last months wil never fade in my heart or mind. Ricky, T love you, in uch a ifferent
way. This emotion 't dictionary love, his is something oly found here, na prison, in
" lavery,in acell,intwo hearts of wo men with violent past, with dead reputations, with
honeaty,without daubt, something more risky than a loaded un, hisis only ove.
And even thaigh Tm gone now, Tl be back..

-Neil

41
‘M waH "By Neil

I am fighting a war. This zine you're
reading is the only artillery I possess to
reach out from behind prison bvars. My
|strugele, my essence, my convictions and
fears will be shaved with you, friend
enemy, or curious reader. To gain any
thing from these black ink configurations
{all you need is an open mind. My opinions
Ineed not mirror your own, however keep
focused on the actual stance I assert.
Equality.

My name is Neil. My nick name is
Baby Boy, maybe because I ook so youns,
_someone thought I was sweet, or some see
ime as their 1ittle brother. I've been
|awnsering to the moniker for years, I'm
|23 years o1d, born in '77, the eldest of
three. Ny parents are born again. I'm
agnostic sometimes, always anti-religion.
{I've listened to punk since I was 12, I've
‘been coming to jail since I was 14, T
never graduated. I'm a dope fiend, re-
covering. I smoke weed. I love tattoos.
| T'm manic-depressive,& obsessive com-
!pulsive, or thats what the shrinks say
I'm a father of a gorgeous daughter,

and her mother is divorcing me for her
corporate carreer. She's going to be
|an attorney, a criminal prosecution
attorney. Spite 1s evil at times.

b
I'm bi-sexual, Ilost my hetero
virginity at 12, my houo one at 124. 5
e Mmoleated for years when I was a bmy
‘boy by en uncle and a few aunts. Long
Ipainful story, you'll hear it. I'm in
|prison now for 16 years, got 12 left to
|d0. 1 haven't stayed out of incarceration
|for over a calender year since I first
zot locked up. I'm an ex-white-power=
\skinhead, Another long story. Read on.

!1 am no longer racist. I never was.

Only too weak to not sell out. I'm stronger
now. I resist. I fight now. I speak out. I
argue. I have opinions, I still reserve
hatred for selective distrobution where

necessary.

I am not hopeless, but I'm not happy.
I'm lost in many ways but I have good XmXmmii)
intentions, and a focal point. T went to
impact helplessly frantic youth. I want to
talk. I want to tell stories, I want to be
heard. I want to be active. I want to be
someones friend. I want to be proud of myself
and execute with integrity. I do not want
ito hide. No room for lies when honesty of
2 brutal nature dictates. I won't be less
than resl. That means always passionate,
sometimes bitchy, judgemental, rude, uz
. S =
|f1amboyantly gay (when the mood arises),
never perfect, but willing to admit and
recognize my own faults.

I hated myself for so lonz. I'm

|getting over it. T have a foot fetish.

|T love my hair. I'm skinny, T skate-

| board. Music is one of my dmt dietles.

|1 sing (or I think I do), write, read, play
|guitar, compose sonas, poetry, and I want
[£o write a book. I am pro-choice, end &
feminist. I hate authority; thw the gov-
erment; the military; the WIO: the

United Nationsicapitalism; materialismi
|racism; animal abuse; molestation & sexual
|abuses homophobla; the prison industry

| oomplex; patriots. I am white, I am human.
| T refuse to be labelled.

The media is propaganda. Lots of
[peopie 1ike to velieve the hype. Why mk

wk ask why? Its easler to be a passive auto-
nomous citizen conformed to the popular
|demand of the month. I don't watch T.V.

iI like Filth, Man Is The Bastard, G.G., El
Duce, Wendy 0. I like the Gilman scene

from late BO's, yeah "no more bad town" was
good. I've lived in SoCal my whole life. I

Y4

| adore shooting up speed deviantly, but I don't
| anymore. 7

a survivor of several suicide attempts. I am a
sick individual at times, but I have my shining
moments., I am re-creating my destiny from the
inside out. I think Darby Crash is sexy. I
{used to break dance. Life is a tragic comedy
and_the joke's on me. I want the death penalty
abolished, I smoke, but I want to quit. I've
‘been stabbed.

| Guns and drugs landed me in the joint. I'm
|

I'm an open book. I'm an anarchist in my
{mind., I understand Fugazi. I suck dick well.
Hi. "

' Soundirack to wXs #2

MDC - More Dead Cops
Misfits - Collection

Desoendants - Two things At Once:
Brutal Truth - Kill Trend Suicide

| Wasted Youth - Reagen’s In
| Six Feet Under - Warpath

ots of reggac
Sublime - 40 oz. To Freedom

‘Naked Aggression - st
the oldics radio station

Rancid - 1* s/t

4s-
At

| INTERVIEW
‘Wiener Society (WS): What's the ideology behind the name Open Close My Eyes?
Open Close My Eyes (OCME): There's not a special ideology, we choose this name
alot of years ago because we liked the way it sounded! That's it!

‘WS: Every band has a driving cause, the reason to be heard, what s yours?

‘OCME: I don't know! We want to be a hardcore band who try to play the music we
like and to give a positive message to the kids... o we don't have & real driving cause
if you read our words you may find a driving cause... and of course I hope that
people lsten to us because we play good music :-)

WS: Politially where does the band stand, or are you all from different viewpoints?
OCME: We don't take political position if you mean to stand on one way but
everyone of us s interested in politics, as I said before you have to read our words
and you can also find politics way in what we say

'WS: Is racism a big problem where you're from?

OCME: You know as arich country we have people who come from poor countries
to find a better place and some peaple think tha these people stole their job... there
are some nazi skin and they have a good organization and sometimes they do some
demonstrations....and thafs sucks of course and we have some party of the right -
‘wing who have a lot of consense in the mass but they are nothing but demagogic.
stupid ass hole because they only say simple things to the mass like "hey the forcign
come here in Switzerland and stole our jobs, rape our girls, and shit like this and a ot
of people believe in these stupid and simple argumentation because is easier to
believe in these false solutions than really understand what's the real problem

'WS: How do you feel about the straight edge thing and is there any of it

in your scene?

OCME: I'm straight edge since 7 years now and I'm proud about it for myself I did
my experience with drugs and alcohol and I can say that was not for me. Yes we
have a couple of straight edge kid here in Switzerland; I know some of them... I like
some of them and I don't like some of the...

'WS: What is the best show you've ever played, why and who else performed?
'OCME: Uh I don' know.... I think that our best show are the locals show because we
play in front of our frends and they become erazy...

'WS: Have any of you ever found yourselves having to sleep in gutters?
OCME: Sorry but T don't know what a gutter is

4b

‘WS: How do you feel about squatter’s rights?
OCME: ks these places, our singerused o live i one squat forayear. (/]
T support them when they are good and they are really involved in some serious

| political cavses. You know here we have a lot of people who go in these places only
because the can smoke a joint and can dance without the police and they really don't
care about what a squat really should be. That destroyed a lot of the real meaning of
the squatter’s causel

| WS: What is your opinion on capital punishment, should a government have the.

| right to murder?

| OCME: No! The problem isthat t the end the people who ae killed by thestatc are

| always poor people and no the real criminals. You know a lot of people look toa

| pedophile ke a murderer, and they say that people whorape children should be

| Killed without mercy, ok pedophile s a cimina, bt thse people wearand spport
people like Nike or something like that who exploit 1000s of children in the third

World, why a pedophile who raped 10 children should be killed without mercy and

| the big boss of Nike who exploited 10000s of children is ne of the richest people in

| e world ik hat bigbos of Nike ke ‘Nestl, or something like that)
deserve to be killed more than a pedophile or to a killer or a murder!

| But as concemed to the capital punishment I can't accept that ane state can kill some
one to teach to the people that killingis wrong. .

l 'WS: What is each band members favorite 80°s band?
| OCME: 1 think that Judge, Youth of Today, Gorilla Biscuits, Sick of Itall

|

WS: What's the last good book you read?
OCME: I ke a lot the pulp literature, justread, oh shit | don't know in English the
| name ofthis book. Ok Il tell you the tllein Ialan and 'l ry to translte it o
| English,the titl is Nirvana dopo" by lee whiliams I think that in English is

| something like "Nirvana and after", this book speaks about some guys who goes in

| the street making blow jobs to od fan to pay their drugs and sometbing ke that, |
| love this story... check it out if you have the chance..

| Ws: Vinyl or CD?
| OCME: It depends... for hardcore vinyl of coursell!

| WS: What's the biggest influence behind your Iyrics?
| OCME: th socety where we ive.. and o expriencepersonals

| Ws: Is homophobia something you see in your area?

| OCME: Yes, you know that is more diffcul than racism because you seo lot i the
| culture the prejudice against homosexta...you know in ot of movies you see

| Bomosexual peopl rated s s thats proble!

| ws: Do you have a favorite zine that you read or a favorite label that always seems
put out good music?
(OCME: 1 don't read a lot of fanzines because | don't have time, Tused to writea
fanzine with my ex girlfriend called world collapse but now no more!
| About labels I think that revelation is always one of the best... fl’]

‘WS: When did you put out your first release, on what label and what songs?
OCME: 1997 it was a 7" called Deylight on divisionb records from Switzerland

‘WS: 1 have a tattoo fetish any of you guys have any

Talso love tatoo's, have 4 tattoos on my body I ke the Japanese styl, [ also have
a straight edge tattoo!!! Our singer is also full of tattoos!

Ws: Alcohol or drugs?

OCME: Straight edge -) When I was younger it was drugs! Not a ot of alcoholt

WS: Do you guys like emo?
OCME: Yes, we really love emo

1W: s anarchism a reachable goal or an impossible dream?
OCME: I think that would be the best system, but it is impossible because i this
world there are the human beings: SAVE THE PLANET KILL YOURSELF!!!

‘WS: What's the worst thing you"ve done while drunk or loaded?
OCME: I remember when I was younger I beat up a guy really bad and I got
processed and the judge wanted {o put me in a jail for minors!

WS: Have you ever seen a real dead body?
(OCME: Yes my grand father and my grand mother, which was not 50 good...

WS: Are you guys touring in the future? With who?
OCME: We hope but we don't have any serious plans right now

| WS: Who's the best hardcore band of all time?
OCME: For meit's Judge

‘WS: What's your opinion on demonstrations that tur violent?
OCME: No problem!!!!!

WS: Dead cop, good or bad?

OCME: 1 don' think that a dead cop is a big goal, you know. Ok a cop is dead but
~what changes? .
WS: Do you guys listen to anything other than punk? Seriously..

OCME: Sure, 1 love Oasis, Radiohead, Placebo and 2 lot of alterative indie stuff

WS: Favorite Misfits song?
OCME: I'm not a big Misfits fan but 1 lke the LP

WS: Anything you want to say to the scene?
OCME: ciao

Discography
1997 Daylight 7"
1999 El nuevo milenio 7 fmed

4o
i If there's anything that pisses me off more nowadays s the fact that most (if
Rt il youth e so Nicking negative about everything that matters. -About the future,
| about society, about humanity. Nothing can be changed, things will always remain the
saime. There's 0o hope I the workd 9 Je’s Just worry about oursclvcs, about money and
about accumulating material possessions!_ Whocver associates youth these days with
| optimism, hopefulncss and revolutlon Is DEAD wrong, This s ot the way the new.
| gencrations are, we don't give a fuck about anything, we don'. believe in anything, only
ourscives and not oven that semetimes. Our Colloctve heads stuck up our as6cs
advocate the system' Individual sotutions or allour problems. Never mind that it s
captalit sociey el that filed us... who cazes.
i s there time to analyz: the problems and find viable answers? Of course not,
we have (o buy GAP khakds and watch "Survivor I, Who cares if we ae belag force-(ed
all this bullahit? Wo all seem to cnjoy it Those few that isagree can also be fod Prozac,
- Paxil and Ritalin among other ~wonder” drugs. Has anyone cver thought about the
| inherent hypocrey ofa soiey that says one drug i “good while the other is bad"?
| Both of them have the same function of paciting the individual into an unquestioning
! zombie. And they say T'm ful o contradictions! Hal Obviously they haven' studicd the
Raturs of this cconomio systems that domlnates our lives. Bvery single aspect o L. 10
| ot e inckentsweshoid o on, 6 cveryting. Why ca' el undertand

Bspecially the young activists rom universtis, sometimes I just have to
question thei dedication to the movement. How much of i s genine concern or the

. Mature of the people and how much of i s just privieged middie-class guilt? The point of
view Ia 20 matrow most of the i, I eiher you'te a miltant vogan anti-raciet animal
liberator or youte something "evl’. 1m sorry but the real word 1s not 5o black and
‘white. T'm not saying that these are not legltmate causes but there’s a whole lot more:

| that neods to be explored. And why haventt these “radicals” made the connection
between al these specilc issucs and capltalism. 13 It threatening to thelr socal status?

Because if there was a true revoluton tomorrov who's side woukthey really be on?

S0 what's worse, the homophobic looks-obsesses, cheerleader.prepple o the
blecding heart liberal? Both aro closed minded whes it comes down to it But at least
the person who is already somewhat socially avare can change into a true revolutionary
or 501t is hoped.

And no...the so-called “punx” of today does not escape my wrath (lucky you,
ch7) What the ik docs punk mean o you anyway? 18 It Just ..dying your hair a
“reaky” color, Just music,Jost fad? Think about it and I 1t I o yourself a favor and
discover the trus meaning of it or become another raver or prep. Tm sick of al the posers
fullof hate and ignorance who ruin the scene. They just come in, make themselves
comfortabie when pun is & big trend then. pull out when its no longer something that
! impresscs theis iends. 1 know people ik that now 50 10 one can tel me they don't
| exist. They've destroyed the local scene. There hasn't been a decent show here in weeks!

Some people ar rying to make thinga beter but its en extremely dicult task. How I3
| It that there wsed & be something 50 big here, & communiy almost and now there s
| nothing? Wel, 1 know 1t a combination of things with the trendy middic.cass fucks
| going “Bavers aad the lower-clas squoeges kidsjatrect punx moving away ot in Jail
- | because of the *SAFE STREETS ACT*. Which is a long story in itself but basically It
| makes “aggressive panhanding* (begging, squecgecing) lcgal. And now they're
Privatizing the prison system sb here 8 Golng to be even more Wonderful progress”.
Yo the sake of the world, or our own ucking survival hope we can ll change.
L still have some hope when someone nice to me. 1 can think “yeah, peopl are basicaily
90 decp down.” Tt then i secaus thal 43 soon as | make thal discovery somcone
| Comen and smashes It to pieces.

friends not enemies!

‘Well, that's all for now. 1 know a lot of people are going Lo get offended by this
for some rcason. But guess what? I don” give a fuckl 1f my words torment you so, that
just shows that you're an insecure lttle prick.. I sick and tired of ignorant, hate-flied
‘assholcs so Just, FUCK OFF

o yoab, and thanks Nel for ltting e wit this thing and showing t i your
zinc. You're great and cutct -

2001, Anita Fixx
Canada

WE'RE ALLTHE SAME
COLOR WHEN YOU
TURN OUT THE LIGHTS.

Inmy created abyss X roain my head looks fowards the fop for some fype
of glare as T scream to be understood, yet there en't a beam of light.

As T look downward 1’ cold and dense, T yearn for I al o end, but there is no
bottom, 5o here I float in a peychological battle, a wicked one that Is tearing me apart.

‘Some days Tm sane, others T not, my old ways try o surface, and they'e sl
faunting me fo my grave. e dovy

T try fo keep this evil repressed, but why ls f that I feel oppressed by a battle
within,ane that I should know and one that T shauld defeat? Yet I feel victim fo my own
illuion as my mind stands in a state of confusion.

S0 saclety Judges me ot for what T've done and what I'l do or for what T'l wear or
the style and color of my hair or the piercings and fattoo that cover my body for theyre.a
representation of our own race,lost and confused just wanting fo be understood.

‘ Acknouledge we are but acreation of the government, a roduct of their
mischievous mischief's and cast verdict an those who are responsible instead of labeling us.

-Ricky
TerMAL AyBody

1 don't claim to be a sapient, o the fokler of any profound wisdom or enlightenmen. |
wont induige n sel-rghleousness or narcissism, orradite betterness. | il adrmil flaw, err and
Tegret. | willjust ry o sucidate to you all| am and n what processes | came (o be this man of
Convicton, a seeker of Integry, alover of trlh nifs elemental forn. 'm no more than anyone i,
o less than the most fucked-up individual, but mare than | used o be. When I speak of equalty or
Iy cgaiiarian belef, hese are not just words, nor views | ai 1 jin with because of a need to be
part o something, o t ftinto the ranks of those who believe such. | do not want validation or
‘acceptance ino a chub, rotherhood, movement or membership for such ownership of e,
Sioganship o rank holding. | won' be ust another o jon a cause, Jus o jin up into some ideology
Tolloning. 1o lear the hip Ingo or adoptan outward image of belonging. | am fed up Wi il forms of
reputaton, outward identies, standards, afations, categories o recogniion. Where | am in my
lifetoday | ry my best o be ight, thnkight and aci igh,right being what | asscciate as right not
wh I'va been {0, taughi or made to belleve I Gorrect o acoeptable. I'm finshed with searching
fora crack to squeeze Into 5o | can reate, I've salvaged my individuafty from the stereatype labeled
[ individual” and | do my best o separate what | am, from what Im tod F'm supposed fo want fo b |
dont lsten.
| Defintions of who you are shouldn' be necessary to be someone. What d belng
someane A e, fthal someone you are being indeed is nolthe person you are. Wha could be
| Worss than denying your ownself th freedom to louish and express yourself as you yearn t,
| simply because of exising persanally guidelines? This i fata eror,against none cther than

Yourseil. Seiloppression. To do any jusice on this earth you must it top being unjust with

‘Where does this begin? Whare truh becomes priory over falsification. True self over
Take self, Not an effoy, an image, a skin or appearance of ruth, but deep down veraciousness, an
ner epiphany, where profound realzalion of ruth and ifs existence In you demand complete
| ransiin. Do you know the power contained In you, the truth? It there and screams to you. Do
You isten?

My own truth 1 suppressed for many years. | fastened many faces to my blank festures.
‘and as a chameleon adopted many trals tofind solace within sects o ciries, here | wes a punk.
here street crimina, here a racial skin, over there a cosel junil. To feel good sbout myself |
nesded to fesl acoepied and being an obsessive fanati, | took this need {0 an exireme, and looking
1o 1t nto overy crowe | couid find. | spread myself thin and became an imiator of every form of
“indidualty” and perfecied them within mysell, | was a compuisive but decisive lar and the
efiniion of contradicion. | had no beles, no views, not @ singular opinon thet was my own, | was.
unknown. 1 could agree on any standpoint and know what | was talking abot, sounding loyai and
devoled to every crowd | mingled with. | nfitrated and fed on atenfion, being noticed, being fed,
b I never really was, why? Because, | never alowed myselffrom out behind the guise. The very
. sickesi o all my deception was my owned feined Ignorance, you see | was ot pretending to be
people | wasn' outofignorance of myssH, | was aware of my on self-deception, alculating and
s I tseif was the crowning huniiation. | knew what | di, knew my own belrayal and stl,in
disgust at my own gnominy. proceeded. My rebelon, my non-conform was conformi to images.
erected and | crated reputaiions s a way t be, but instead of being, | mocked. Mocked mysell. |
e My existence was a product | sold
myseli o scenes and soclely.
| ‘At the oot of al s lay my battered core, my self-hate, my self-dovibt, my low self-
esteem. My suicidal ntentions. | was kiling myself, metapharicaily and attempting many times
| physically. | gave the impression of 8 completely secure young man, but my insecuriles were the
| rive behind the need to Impress. 1 had to be accepled and though my dabbing in personaly
| manfacturing was my meains of gaining this, | found there was this certain shalow qually about
me, about my Interactions, that peopie | red to associate with notced, ike they couid see | was an
empiy of sincerlty, 1 was an image wh no foundation, | was disconnecied trying to project
‘comnection. I was fake and no amount of maripulation could keep the masks inact forever. Living
That vy, i eats at the soul,the lis scream at you, aunling, pleading, exhorting and condemning.
“The razor blade called for flesh, whispered relel, empted wih s own fes. Was there no ruh
around? Was there no path to lead me from my depths of grief? It as hopeless.

| dont know i there are athers out there who acted In such a degenerate or pilfl manner,
edicating o reputation atany cost, o the polnt of osing all you are. Possibly everyone has acted

5

146 way, only few admit I so blatanty as | have, rogarcies, It malters e How can | sy that?
| Beoatees, s come lo know there s e aer it
Wi these words I ot only detaing the ynamics of my past personalty disorders, I
answering questions to myselfand allowing th o un R course through my thought. Ite hard fo
stre my defects In the face and recogrize exaclly who Iva boen or ven the sbsence of who | couid
ave been. My past haunts me and Id be dshonest o say that ther i no more pain. There's
much along with Tt of remorse and egre. | don' ke acmiting the hings 've dons fo such
| uncoutn reasans and matives. But eel honety containsimmense powsr and ust trough

.| sdmitance of faut or wrong | fee ke | gan back, not the los ime o even forgvenass or
forgetuiness from those e wronged, possibly o rerbulon o hose hur s possible b fel ke
Igain back myssll. | came o a reaization about a year ago that | was 2 ost cause unable o be
| saved fom my own consiructed doom,tht this worid, my family, my “Fiends® or lovers ware unati
105ave or change me. No ane couid reach In o retf my wised It design, o ane coud tol
me how o ind a way fo go on. I there ever xised a person withsuch abily | had allenated,
destroyed, berayed, fucked-over o rfecte them inmy scheme t be the most ke person

| around. s ronk it my agenda to be adored or wanted led me fo be despised and hated. |
guess that shows tht black ntenons bring black resits. | was a popularty junde lost I an
nderground maze ofsb-scenes an the ebellous undorourrens of sociely' back sroets.

Why did fe the need fo make my seif out o ba somaana | thought people would
ecognize and ike? s that what society programmed mo fo want? len' tha what everyone
| wants? fsn that human? Society: systemato reputation acoumulation, based on the amount of
clut you can get and ullzeto buld yourse o the latet and greatess model humanald o meet
and merge wih he standards that define you 2 ‘someane”. D | buy Inothe bullhi? Dam right,
les taught me, begot me; e created me, maimed m and were . Lios wore al | know fom the
Moment | was borh no the modem civizaton o man, material, corporationstogreed,
organized rlglon and“popular”sucoess as way (o associte ane manwoman i hirhe pears.
‘Why i | place my vlue as a person on the way | was perceived n the eyos around me? Because
America said | must and | stened. Thal voloo spoke to me everyday through s pUppots, the

- teachers,parents, policans, the heross, cartoon charaoters and the kids around e fyou arert
someons regarded as accepiable (wo've all gone hrough this, havert ... of ked, you are no
one, and never woudd ba. Bu, { peope ked ma then | was ustifed, someihng, worthy: | was
Somebody. | was 8 success,

' When | shaved my head and eyebrows, pu racittats on my body, used hateful words
‘and joined the skinhead gang in prson, | dd this il out of 0oy, ol a crowd, t be one ofthe
Uy, 0 b safe Inthe ranks of acceptance. | put my own protection an reputation bfore my own
e, my own nner tuth. In actualty, | 60 my own brand of fascie acion as mora twisted than
actual hate mongerng, you see, they beleve the s and hate 2 ruih, | knew everything | s
doing was Indirct dsregard fr what | knew was ight | can't laim gnoranc.

My stamina t ivea e died up; my it i hurtng people for at my mind. | coukdn'
‘continue. My liness was oting my soul. Ths brought upon me the knowledige tha 1, and only |
ould save mysel, no ono elsa cared, | had becoma the most unwanied, the mst ated, the most
Worhles. | had compieted my saarch for accoptance and found tht those that1ooked Upan mo
Wit respect were ndivduals who haed everying | knew nside mysol loved. | had sod mysef,
paid the daopestpricefor a fucking magel | had compromised everthing and | had betrayed
everyons.

' D0 you know with wht terible confusion | fumed my back on everything? My sucidal
thoughis raged, ut somehow | knew these old vocesto be mor pre-erected escape mechanisms,

where | i from mysell, What coud 1 do? | knew only I seclusion, i scatin, would any anwer

tormy plight coma. | was 0o essly swayed,too ready to deny mysel for repusaton, sl 1 knew
had o get away from everyone and reinent who | was, ask mysel.

| made the st ight chole In my e, the step towards eeing mysel from th restraints
of my own les | had bound myselfwith. | aropped ou of the skinhead gang, was aftacked, beat and
hvoatened wih death for my “race raor”ac. 1 was put n proeciive custody and letto my own
ik 68 Ina cal, alone it the hole and now rly accepted by o ano. | was alone n my shama.

Butn his solluds,Inths wealkness | found a whisper n e, only audible now because there were

| o other volces around. And | heard myself. The voice was fain, nearly dead, but tis voice was.

dotermined o save me, o teach me, oive me hope and o help me. And | listened

How o find forgvenees? Relrslon? Recondlfaion? | reaized the dopth of my
betrayal. Who would over ruet me again? Who wouid ever accept me, o ke me agan? And |
ndersico this could be my cive anymore, tha | had destroyed my ife because ofthoughis as
| hese. No one elsecoutd forgive me or fke me. Thal wasn' the snawer, th soluton was o ind

: £2

forgiveness for mysalf, and learn to ke myslf {0 st myselt, | tiked with me, | opened vp my
oref, my conlusion, my questions and my soul, | dug though with the'intent 6 ind a ore, an
xplanation or reason. And undeniable wore the conchusions | found wien in my own hear.
Every man has worth. Every man has flaws. Every man has power. Every man has love. Every
man has faith. Every one has hope greater than the doubl, bigger than the fear. Every one has the
Same abiies and strenghs. EVERY ONE. The realty of squally sunk n and for once | reaized
Pow the treasure of unty had boen buried under the heaping piles ofheto and siorectype. | saw
others, had fallen vicim to society' s of reputaton and clessism. | understood
hat thatthe love ithin every soul f omeone was abl to touch just one other spirtand thal soul
Ieacho on ofher, the truth of humanil couid bo awakened through s, trough the truths we all
Know insde. Butthe most vivid of all my thoughis was that there was o one greater than | was In
Ty i and nolhings sronger than my own sirengih. My lfe was mioe and no ohers, | chose where
R ent, o other. Ay wil was the extent of my remarkatde mortalty, | had no choice. Wit choloe
had the means to change and hrough change an acquaintance with reconcilatin. In fact, | chose
o fnd forgiveness. | did hi for mysel and formy future. Lifeafter past, k exists.

" maintain ths bellef tha through postive action can | ot only rectify,in my own fe as.
well a5 those around me, my past, bul | oan make my present stuaion one of fue vision, by wriing,
by admiting, by reusing to 16 sbout who | was, what | am and what | may be ahead. | adore the
underground movement of anarchism, actvism and equalty. |love punk rock and the D.1Y.
‘communty, but mas of all | chersh mysef, wihout vaidation as a good or ked parson by any
‘Group, tha st contain e, hope and fove. 1 ove the fac that | don't need acceptance from anyone.
arymore o feel good about mysel. The factthat | can stand-alone and say “this is what | am and
belleve in me", that | Know me.
| So, what am | saying? Don't get ost in the crowd around you. Do ose your personaily
and never do anyihing you dont want t justto impress. Don' hate people or disciminate because
¢ casir o, o because would foed your mage, nstead starve your image. Stand up (o truth, no
matter how you 1ogk doing . Dorit make people feellsss 1han you. Realizo that everyone, yeah,
‘overyons has love I him o her, maybe not visibly, bu s there even if buried unde haired. Dont
‘over forget who you are, which s jus i everyone else, @ human being ost on the face of a dying
planet surtounded by millons oppressed by so many *fsm” just ke you. Whenaver you find
Jourselfosing your touch wlh who you are, step back and re-avaluate why you do what you are
toing. Is R because of reputation or because of uth? There's a difference, find out. Personal
Tebetlonis what makes collective aclion possible. Its alabout you. That's how i becomes all
‘about “us". No one is stronger than someon who knows themselves, and the power of ther own
{ruth. Without knowiedge of“sel" there s no knowledge of “realy’ or a self i truh (reaty) and
images a he (fantasy). How people perceive you is worthless if you yourself know your own
perception of yoursel s the begining and the end of realism. Evr feel ik you haven't achieved
Wit i s that you know you can? Possibly s because you've rested your eyes outwardy ather
than focused them inwardy. The answers are there, they alwiays have been, but only You can
realize them.

Finding yourself means denying everything you've ever been taught,stepping away from
everyting around, giving up pide, giving up les and most of all unearming conformity inside,
Whelher § be conformiy o a conventional brand of conformity o an image of ‘non-conformiy”. 1t
means asking yourself questions such as, A | prejudiced against anyone? Do | love more than |
hale? Why am | suickdal, i it because ' scared of facing myself o because | dontIve up to
other's standards? Have | bean honest about my sexualky, do | ide from It beoause | ear t fuck
off my reputation? O even, do | pretend to be somefhing Fm not because | want people o e me?
Couid I e mysel, even i iher' restied me diflerenty than they do now? Do | say things o be
‘ool even il ey viclimize others? Do | hot care about anything because no one else does? Could
Tacoeptthe fact that 'm not better than anyone else is and never il be? Why am | angry? Do
reat people badly becatise e boen treated that way? Could | ever reverse al this by changing the
| way | reat others? Do doubt myself because cthers do? What makes me diffeent from the.
| people | hate?

Humilty is unleashed nide you when you answer yourself wih true facis. Seeing
| yourset, you understand hypocrisy, you understand dicrimination; you undersiand hate because all
Ihese originate in you, and they are created when you let your own beay be painted by the views
‘and el of a twisted society. When you stop Istening 1o yoursel and strt hearing the les meant
Lo get you o give-up the pawer o be free. You see how wrong i to hutother people, beoause.
you Know how I fecis o be the one hurt. You know s not right o put ohers down, beause You've
been put down. You know how wrong 5 o put yourself n a superior mind-{rame than another,
becase someane has looked down Upon You. You know s unsir o refuse someone hep.

M

because you've been lef helpless and you reaize how foolish t i to judge someone for s of her
faulsfor you sra riddled with weakness and fallure. So in the end it was search for acceptance,
| although ot 1o be acospie by anyone bu youral. Grab the scalpl cut yoursef open and t
| Yourseif how to sew It allup in'a way that Is beautfully ugly and shamslessly you. Terminat
Culivate strength, never imitala and be true.

CAPITALISM.

UNTILL ALL ARE FREE
WE ARE ALL IMPRISONED !

55

i short ¥ILEMARKER jnterview conducted

-| by Justin- under the influence of
meri juana some where in michigan.

Wienr Sty (wKe) Lo lrt out Wi your e and what you do
e s ! My e oy and ey Syrivesizer ond s,

Wis: How did the band orginate?
MM W started 3 years 8go. it was a 3 piece and | i ights. Then we swiched It and over the

Yoars t bocame this. Which s a dferent rummer and now | lay synihesizer thervise X' prety
Irich the same. We juststarted to tour. You know, ik that was the reason the band formed was.

T ST T
ws: Are you o promoling your new albu, Frigid Forms Sell? Isn't that your newest one?
MM: Yeah that’s the newest one. | guess so. Yeah. [

R

WXs: You got a lotout. It seems lke?
| MM: Yeah. 3 (laughs) I's kind of a lot.

WXe: 6 mors tan .. b ot of pople n e punk communty,aleest arcund hre, hnk
‘dolphins are smarter than humans are. How do you feel about that? here et

Mk Absclutely. They don have opposatle tums though. Thafs the probem.

you coud fight one celebriy who would It be?

‘Ws: Wl thats . | don' really know what else to talk about. ' not very good.
‘wanna press pause and hink of a question?

Thoughts from Italy.

Neil,

s increcible bec. 1 ot el the besuty of i o o s pople. 1410 come bt he e
imedetachd. | o calymy b and gt ol wopped p i the s hec. W e sapiog .4y i
ot an hour om o Eas Coutof Nothern Iy, Everyting i sncin. A s mh 4 by sl Tiove
e st nd ity bebind eveywber . e s s 4 hotl o ot vhic s conncted o
o chutch. s benuifl My oo has heache windows, e g o i i il Theee
s e ccond bt e tpectes have e oot 108 g eveey cay. The chby e wh
lonks fe h lce s ulf Aty He wou'eeve me e cren s ' it hre wiiagyo. | have b
it i o fcncon, wic s ve il o o the g He sl e gl woct nd
Ao sbout 3 n Tl Ho ok me down 1 i wine clu oy 1 coukd'bleve 1t s delcios b
cly o i ki, b sl e o ek and e wa ey plese. 1 am vy bappy e Tt
i 2 god bcae s b soch o e i s oely. The ¢ i and o 0 rounding
o e, 11 b he desie 10 wnde off e v e o boe s, Taveling bl b
ot ot advatue. It ot erspecie on eveyting sk you i how el our i nd
you o il workd . Peple hre i ot eyt o thee i 0« ol B e what i ety
I font o the and sometne ot eve that. I i bepinfl 4 Gl 1 ope youc mind beyond i
oy o bl ot Liviogin 4t whesscvesone ko yu it ey o i . The
e ime 1 e e US.onmy o vas when ] s 12 a1 lew oy i s, Aoy g 1 o
i was dsoped . ik o the ffct Az s o the e wodd. Eveone s s & 1
‘o moce v whie mont i he U, s tobly oot o work's lfes. Evcywhershers thee e pgle
‘veciop Armcancthe, uiog A oods,petin Engi. s s and skin, 1 1 1o
iy oy ek 3 worts n . Evecone | mect st cate 10 e sk Eoghoy. e te

hmesicn D 1l et | bave et many peopl who have nages of vl b his “pasi”. Bt
e i cnckin he el s Armrick s nt e 0oy ay longe. Hoedecd s e e ok
and more ceveled. Wi th cack f rowing e many Ameccans (b doo' ) et e the
imprsion e they e[ i he “Sest” ot and bt cvczonssgres I s nd defiy oot
edingin g diction. | oly e cclting sgee a Amecicans. 13 0 worder th wey mary of ut st
‘ehe e vl e some i ks 0 ey hce,pliog g e cig by owe
cvpbing 1 v o or bl i opectcapeclly et 7o f i i ercone e iy
Ty e gring you permison to e ther o sy ight you hev. St yooe v et dott ok
up omeont s behroom. Ha-b... do know i tha metsphor qite works.

‘On e pesonl e o ey vy o el | v becn st o o xplaining ety
w1 el Each e oy b wei o ik amdtacte. 1¢ s e sonthing 1 e in R Bach
ook sbout eving your ody dcing dreams. 1 e hough my i ha leftmy body,whic i il g
e s e by & sl bl . 1 e spides web g my v e tgetbe. 1 ot
i know whichon s wher but ' uying 0 wake vp 4 pt th ogeher. 1 dort ke the oo of b
ot o mple. 1 ey b 1o b, d some K ofoquilbienbetwen thinkiog st ome st
nd ), whie il cjin being e the present. This s ey e bt | o s

et an amaing gy second dey hre. Bl peopl e the oy of . And L men
euutiul not i the specfica ens but i the ey ofth word. Thatthey it theic sl fom the. 1
ot my van oo with people ar ey corer. | dort e peopl imnedtly bt wih s
peopl 1 smply ko that L wll e thers the mommene the etee my . Tha h bet ] can cxlain . it
vecympossile. Anywey we at o the ot cps fo hous s ilkin sghtnto cach obec xce. (The
on st v myBvocisplace by the way. | bave st hour out e ove that...doyou know what | mesn?
e ot et o i g e oF ot g ey o o 7ot v g e
btk aked. Butit i ot Eightniog it ot cxcitio, He had magifcent cys o, They wre
it o that nly mace it l o more poveru. It was vyt o ke sch ieong connecion. 1 was
ety doven 1 hin. Bt iow it sk becase 1 ot know b o sl ik tht e then ey
oodbye. Tam eribe st eing goodbye anpways s hi 1wl prbublyneve e agan. e s coming 0 s
o onight and i will be vty esing mestng, 1 dotknow what 1 xpec.

Y wish b gotien eteback From ou befoce 11 foe Ly, butthe il slow and i hcd 10
it back irmedinaly. 1 have 12 more deys e, which se soe 1o be ol o min adventires. O concts
ave been fatastic o s We sang i hi g sqube st ight, it deew cowdls ot o evecyahece. Then we

| wee vt 10 g in i one of th pubs. The Afican s 50 powerul. Love . In A sining s
pact of . They hane songs o evey emotion t siwaton. 1 & ianate qualy 1o beabe o sivg, Theie

voice s hscious and . We ca not miae it The pltis songs ae my fevori. All th songs e sung.

ithspict,porwes 41 posiive cutlook even withthe most nefAEvS esson foe sagig.

, L ik fyou when 1 singig i nsdorn ong. 1otk 1 ik v ight
| otk someon’s et o ok b s 1 oo e doss ot s, Bt Feedomof

| cannot be taken sway and you know that. You can travel the woeld sad still be chained if you don't find and

| G o g o v k.

| My spiritis with you,
i Lydia

To ind out dsout ydic's cappel singig group called the Village Hanony e the ol <thaic folk snd
okl dsorl songsthy siog e b Ly Pecy, 760 Siloway Ra. Randolgh Ci, VT 05061

“DEAR WEENIES..
| Hi Nel, | got a copy of ws today and | have to say, 'm very impressed-particularly by your
Unflinching honesty. 1s not aways easy reading bt | believe thatyouire doing somehing crucally
| mporiant educating people about the realies o some people’s ves. | really hope that you'l
reach a very wide auclence with this; have you though of seting up a website? | wouldn't have a
o how to'do &, but | heard I's possible o get free web space. Anywey, back to what' really
important: wel done and than you for what you're doing and for being 5o brave. s oy by
eople ik you doing tings liethis, that publlc opinion wil change and that wil bring the changes

we're all seeking, Ite by lite.
Thanks and good luck with wXs
Jo Jones, England

Brother Nel,

o received “Wiener Sciely #1°from our fiend Anthony and | had t wrie o tell you how much |

enjoyed reading . Your story of crug addictio and time in prison really hit home wih me,

because of my own e of ing hell. You of coursetold R n much greater deal than | have been

| dlng o Lsaming o comimunicateapany s soretin i sgoling Vi Condonis,
| you know. Trust o man, etc.

| st you or ety deuning the racktscum v n risoresveryshrst Wl o
| safty may b problem, s farbstor o b trueto yoursel than a pawina ateful group. At

| least you oan ve with yoursel knowing thet you'e not ying anymore.
Voften have discussions wih others around me about homosexualty, which go nowhere.
Homophobia i rampant and bi-sexualy Is soen as no iffeent. {n my view, everyona has the
reedom to I a8 hey wish, 50 long as thelr choloes dorit nffinge upon ancthr ife. Society, both
i and outside, i ull of very nartow-minded people. Somelimes we oan aler ther vews,
Sometimes they're unshakable. Be yoursel, be proud] Fve taunted homophobes on occasion —
‘once in San Francisco, where a frlend and | joned hands as we skipped down Polk St to the

| annoyance of several ‘Macha guys In a car. To hell ith what peopl think of mel To be stuck

| sexuolcriotation s o b blooke from eaing about a potental aly.

| ey, st waned o veioe my suppot o your ie. | hape you cortue doog ook

| forwara to future ssues. Keep looking withn yourself fo answers and rost assured that you do

| toush a nerve in others now and then. | wish | coud say more, but ot know what resrictions.

. mine s cerainy read.

existon your m
| In Unly,
1 Ron Campbel
i ‘Canstipaton Zine.
! Fellow Con
D.LY. Sentimentality

57' NEIL

S0, what the hellis a fucking holiday anyway? Christmas, an age-old pagan
tradition morphed Into & Christ adoring joke day latched onto by a nation of “iberated”
‘people who set aside disdain and apathy for a short time to spread good will towards
others, because nationally they are told to. What ends up getting celebrated? Not peace,
Joy or love, more so materialism, stress inducing spending mania, getting in debt and
‘competition to be the most loving gift-giver, proving your own list of potential present
receivers mirrors a corporate promotion ladder. Think about i, hierarchy controls
everyone, that’s the American way, that's how you choose who gets what and how much
‘money you allot to an individual's worth. Someone you are obllgated t give something to
that's unimportant to you gets a cheese basket, while someone at the top of your “worthy.
‘people list" gots the latest model of new technology. And don’t you give only to receive
anyway? Maybe I'n cynical but this whole ordeal Just reeks of deception and bullshit

1 you sincerely want o give a gift to someone you love, why must it be given on
the standard decided day (by whom?) designated for such loving kindness? Why,
becase everyone clse is doingit? 1 see right through it. Why do you think the.
government and corporate business promot this day o savagely? Our nemesis, cash,
the dealer of death, subversion and enslavement. Our unsuspecting worker dedicate
‘hour on hour throughout a year of desk or labor service, saving up money while peddiing
‘away thelr lfetime. Only t give it al back by spending ridiculous amounts of this same
‘money they bought with the very hours of their lives, or purchase of the very items they
‘produiced, marketed and bullt for corporations, for ceonomy, for governmental
capitalism. NATIONAL EXPLOITATION DAYI GIVE IT ALL BACK TO BIG BROTHER AND
BIG BUSINESS, AND DAMN IT PEACE ON EARTHI Where is that money going? Back to
the father machine that keeps the masses divided, brainless and explolted. Back to fund
the machine that looks to govern the whole planet under the creed of death or slavery,
submisslon or poverty, conformity or murder.

Yeah, whatever, another political rant with no answer but *this system s evil”,
right? Not really, 1 do have an idea, one use personally, and one others could possibly
‘adopt themselves, The kdea is to be able to beat that old bastard capitalism at It's own
game using genuine ingenuity and D.LY. action, and stll give the people you love a gift if
you choose o celebrate any type of holiday. I'm not talking about being cheapskatcs ,
Tim talking about being real. Serlously, what Is more eppreciated than something that
has sentimental value versus capital value? Puck buying gifts, Instead MAKING & gift,
creating something worth It. Using stulf you already possess to produce a meaningful
something. Make a limited copy zine for your friends telling them how much they mean,
make mix-tapes full of favorite bands and songs, throw a party with a band and dedicate:
songs as git or better yet write songs and sing them yourself, Make t-shirts, by hand,
of bands or meaningful one word of fow word statements. The list could go on, so many
ideas. Another idea Is to give something you have and adore to someone who would
appreciate it and value it 50 much more for It's seatimental and personal value. Give a
CD, 7%, a concert t-shirt, a book, @ Jacket, a patch, anything of yours which means.
‘something, something that you give out of sincere friendship. What are possessions
anyway? Remember years ago as kids we would make something for friends or family,
draw a picture, carve some wood, glue shit together, fashion a Valentine, whatever
happened to that idea? That is D.LY. in ts most rudimentary form. That sense of giving
s thoughtful, It's pure and it unexploitable, as well as sincerely you.

K
my views change over time

‘every time that it puts me in a diff‘ere{tz position-

1 1
1 reconstruct my gélatinous future

Tl

| | | to fit the surrounding Etmosphere,

| ané_the few characters that i lured ifto my dire

11 become Boulmates:

Retards and homosapiens unite!
Zine Reviews

Grl dick #1,
12 pages of ultra passionate, mostly handwritten
transgender woe. 2 stamps. Potent, emotional, personal
onanew level. A soul deep introdiction to Katie
Kaput, a boy, who's really a grre, but has a dick, is a
dyke, and can't decide to get her grrrl dick replaced by
a cnt, o remain a womyn trapped in a boi’s body.
Penetrating, this i sincere and asks a question of
‘where people like Katie fit into society. Lovely.

Katie Kaput, 22 W. 279 Arbor L., Glen Ellyn, IL,
60137 or KatieKaput@aol com

AsTt Stands... #2
46 pages, this zine looks harmiless enough, like a cute
little squirrel, but willleap out and grab you with it's
cute lttle claws, jus like the flufy squirtel would if
you found it’s hidden stash of winter nuts while out
hiking in the beautiful forests of North America. The
columus are all well researched and backed up by hard
cold fucts that you can’t dispute, but worded in such &
chummy way, such as...."Hey friend, lfe is swell,
‘don't you agree? Our loveless society eats our brains,
we smoke ourselves dead, kill each other and go home
1o fuck our wives!” 1 like to put on some grindcore
ke Cannibal Corpse and read Mark’s zine outloud,
with a deep gutteral grow! instead of my normal voice,
gives it a sinister quality that could scare sane people
‘away. Here's some colun itles, read them aloud in a
creepy voice... The Loss of a Loved One, PETA Sucks,
How To Quit Smoking, Body and Culture, XTRIALx
interview, Violence?, Thug 4 Life, Party Onl...see
what I'm saying? Good opinionated rants. Better than
greasy cheeze. Send some stamps to: Mark Osmond,
8364 Washburn, Goodrich, MI, 48438 or
deodorantstinks@yahoo.com

Riot Grrrls! #1
40 pages, free, cut and paste, his is feminine fury, full
of rambunctious teen energy, with more poetry than a
Soho coffee shop. Pics of riot boi’s and grrrls, profiles
‘on members o the grrrl/boi revolutionaries, tecnage
sex colummm, token anti-Lv. speech, and what it means

6l
10 be a riot grrrl. Much better than than playing dress-
up or giving your barbie a mohawk. My favorite line
is...”I AM NOT YOUR PLAYTOY, YOU CANNOT
'MAKE ME BOB AND WEAVE!" Join these kids and
piss on patriarchy. Riot Grrrls S.E. o Chiysti
Copeland, 26 Lodewyck, Mt. Clemens, MI, 48043 ot
http://www. gurlpages.com/activism/rgsoutheastmi.com

Active Transformation Newspaper Vol. 3 #4
free, A direct action anarchist publication , black and
‘white photos from the front line of world-wide
resistance, storm-lrooper pigs shooting projectiles at

| blck clad pised off mobs of anti-social vandals,

| pacilists and demonstrators. Field guide for the active

! evolutionary, this read needs some Nausea or Aus
Rotten as background music, but beware, a
combination of this charged first hand account of
rebellion and the noisy as fuck all political purk of any
crusty_sounds will, be warned, become a fatal

| compound that will atack with no ersonal regard any
form of authority. Articles on Detroit’s murdering
cops, MUMIA, protests of the Democrat and
Republican conventions ( Fighting The Republicans In
‘Philly, in my opinion is the best fucking play by play of
street level activism and solidarity, dangers and

| elations both), and An American Anarchist in Prague.

! Active Transformation Newspaper, PO Box 27164,
Lansing, MI 48909-7164

Cyanide #2 $2/4 stampshrade.

1fellin deep love with this zine. 70 pages of feminist,
queer, human, quasi-intellectual writings, a slap you in
the ass sting that shreds away any doub that words can
constitute real change in things. Lynn Y. Hou is Asian,
sexually queer, bas a hearing “disability” and is
‘nearing adulthood, and has the distinct ability to see to
the rootcore of such ilk as racism, stereotypes,
‘homophobic ignominy, and self-esteem problems.
Reading this is like meeting a new friend at a Bikini

| Kill show, having a long conversation about everything
| from skateboarding to being attracted (0 the same sex,
wishing the world was better and figuring out some.

. ways you could help get it there, making-out after

| holding hands in the slam pit, then dying each other's
hair in the back of your friends van on the way home,
only to get into a tragic accident, but survive wrapped
in ot another’s arms, stll existing in an evil world of

128
| noi-understanding haters. She speaks o inelgently,
ically and imploringly, in vivid dialog, so in her

o Somaie o e s of sy Some g
zine reviews (short ones - unlike my own which go o
and on....), column on queer-bashing and the dilemma
of not being normal. You have to read this or dammit,
#0 get a job, drink martinis and join the neighborhood
watch,
Lynn Y. Hou, 212 25" st. Santa Monica, CA 90402-
2520

Blast #19 14 pages $1/good porn trade
“This cover is fuckin great, some girl with her pants
down pissing a puddle of urine onto a sidewalk (in
front of a barl) First contradiction I found was in the
intro where Blast condemns violent soenesters blaming
heir violence brings pigs into the “fun non-violent
scene” of Oil and hardcore, then later sends a message
10 “the bitch pretending to be a skinhead” who's.
badmouthing Blast, who promises f the “poser bitch
doesn’t stay the fuck out of their way “Blast willrun
you over mister, & few folks have found that out the
hard way.” Hinm...do you tolerate violence only when
it's you doing the bashing? OK, being a skinhead
‘means anti- discrimination, I think, so when I read,
“you're justa redneck with a mohavwk or baldhead”, 1
Kind of thougt t was stereotyping... anywiay, I better
‘watch out, T don’t want o get put on Blast’s “lst o get
run over.” Blast also sends a big FUCK YOU out to
all the Ravers and their “drug culture” cause i’s ant-
effective against any movement agains the stte (dear
Blast, to be effective as a movement against the state
means concentrating on the problem, not bashing other
anti-racists, even if they get high, dress different and
dance with more groove, come on, their RAVERS not
'RACISTS), and that “you in't got no rights, you got
‘an addiction asshole....”, I bet this skin was drunk on a
few 40°s of the good ol brew when he wrole that
addiction shur...I'm all for the skin scenc, t's rucial,
but I honestly think Blast’s opinions contradict
themselves every few paragraphs, bashing non-violent
“drug culture” while promoting a “beer culture”
doesn't express integrity. Past the personal stuff, good
interviews with Al Barr from Dropkick, The Ducky
Boys, a column on skinhead fashion (the uniform code
expected of you to b proud skin, a wel as accepted
facial expressions, the most comnion being, “an
expression that speaks loudly, ‘I've earned (his beer,”™ 63

obviously by rooting out posers from the soéne and
fipping off addicted ravers, bloody good blokes!), ots
| of show/music reviews and how to make a Hot Tamale
‘mixed drink. Blast has good intentions, a lot of energy,
but they came across as confused, biased and not quite
sure what the word addiction means, a5 well as proved
that the way you dress s a big deal to them, and that
the word “bitch is sill offensive. Cheers, and fill her
up, oh shit I secm to have slobbered on me frosty mug!
Blast PO Box 531 Jacksonville, FL 32201

Jesus Come Back #3, $2 magazine size 30 pages
This is the fuckin shit! Goddamn this zine is heavier
|than a metal-head carrying a sledge-hammer! In your
face hardcore, just like you know you want it} Bad-ass
interviews with the SoCal skate fiends Life's Halt, and
‘NoCal bandanna thrash circle pit promisers What
HappensNexn,uwdluac\ulwifi\YumgBlmd
Records. A shit load of those signature pics of hXc kids
‘mid-jump way in the air maling funny coffe-enema
faces. A SoCal scene report covering old fashioned D.1.
f\ldfin&Y.hmdomepmkbflnflsfivmmNndm
| Dago. The record reviews impressed me, not because
they contained such killers as Carry ‘On, Gordon Solie
Motherfuckers and Self Destruct, but of such non-
punks noisier and faster-than-slap-o'-ham’s-
discography-meaner-than-thou’s like Soilent Gréen,
Today Is The Day, Dillinger Escape Plan, and power
violence dieties Brutal Truth. It's good to see such
openminded content in the pages of a hXc zine. This
hings got integrily. In parting the las seatence says
“For all of you kids that think that Jimmy Eat ‘World
und The Get Up Kids are EMO, wake the fuck up and
recoguize!” This will leave a mark, ouch!
Jesus Come Back 4047 8* Ave. #3, San Diego, CA
92103 or ih8thekids@hotmail.com

send me your zine and a short letter, I promise a
| review. -Neil
TAM
T am the wave pushed by the wind.

1 am the smile on your face every day.
T am the happy feeling you get when you're free.

T am the peace that you have when you're asleep.

T am the lion looking for its prey.

T am water to flower in your su
T am you, you are me, you're the opple of my eye.

I
T love you.

s
ICompassion
8y (dia

Gazing at her expressions of intense concentration, a smile BroWs across my.
face. T reach out and gently stroke her downy soft cheeks. She gives me a sightly.
imitated glance out of the coner of her eye and I pull back to watch her again. She
tils her head and holds her fingers over her eyes as f openiog them manually. T know.
she does this when she’s focusing on something that fascinates her. T have taken out
the Care Bear movie for her to watch. I calms her down on days whea nothing else:
can. L rub her back and do joint compressions on her arms while she’s entrenched in
TV. When I turn it off she growls and “hmphs” at me noisily. As I come close to her
she drops to the ground and attempts to kick me but I move in and grab her right
‘where she’s tiekish. She can't stay mad long and 500 her toothless grin appears.
Now she’s asking for it. So I tug at the ltte bit of chub under her chin, she gives up
and bursts out in gleeful giggles. We roll around on the floor together crashing into
pillows. I fee lke the human jungle gym.

“This job has turmed out to mean so much more than ever expected. I went
into it pastiall for the convenience of having weekends off and the salary over
misinum wage. 1 knew it would be chalienging, but I had no idea how much I would.
fearn and grow. High school has not been the most wonderful experience. I have felt
lonely, bored end unchallenged 50 it is wonderful o be able to walk out every day and
stroll down the street to the elementary school where I am an individual aide.

Twatch Alya for three hours every day. We ride the bus t0 a daycare where
sheis supposed to be learning how to socialize. No one’s really sure exactly what's
“wrong” with her. She had epilepsy and s i a state of constant seizure, but other
than that she is a mystery. 1 don’t know the story behind the swears which hurl out of
her mouth and why she bites herself when she’s upset. I do know that she was taken
‘away from her mom when she was four and has been in foster care for two years.
“This January parental rights will be terminated and Alya will becomsie property of SRS.
‘Who is going to love a girl that kicks other kids, ho rips apart books and throws hec
food? What perents are looking for a child with 50 many problems? And so I wonder
at the likelihood of her being adopted.

T don’t know if I could do it. I come home every day totally exbausted
‘When she has a hard day so do L. She claws at my neck leaving dark red gashes, she
hits me whenever T let my guard down. But it is all worth it for ber smiles and her
sigles. I feel two parts of me being tugged out from deep within my mask of teenage
angst. When Alya and I race around outside I'm just a kid. Ilaugh with as much
sincerity at our sily games. But when she bolts toward the road, T throw al thoughts
aside and some motherly instinct takes over my body asthe adrenaline rushes. T greb
her and hold her tight as fear subsides to relef and fear which easily turn to anger.
‘Who can blame her for wanting to run away? She is constantly guarded, watched,
analyzed and critiqued. T want to tellthe speciaists with their plans and lst of goals
that what this girl needs is not flash cards and rules, but love. She needs to be loved.

bb

Tcan go home every day and put work behind me. T can't imagine what it
‘would be ke to live in Alya’s world. She understands more than she’s given credi
for. I see intelligence in her big brown eyes. She lacks the language to communicate,
but the feelingis inside waiting to explode. Working with Alya is peinful and
rewarding, She makes me hopeful when she kisses my checks and makes me hate this
‘world for what mom’s do to their very own children.

Thold her “ight, tight” how she likes it and kiss her squirming body. All 1
can dos love her.

YLIVE YOUR HEART»>

g time to consider the possibilitics
o © s, hiar o W

b
. thatwe sinays try to force onto others.
TWays Telucta

—-justin
'SPUNK ROCK REVIEWS

LAl Revieass By: Tadd Ke
All Reviews' By ;;s“r\ k‘/f:r&y(?%

|
| Lovesick -saLp

“Thi lbum i amezing. I've never heard anying ke s band befor - logant and graesfl sincere and
| wonderol, yet s hardre s any ofthelesmy hisory eschertold ma i inch grads. an'trecommend
| tisalbum enough. 1 one of tose experionces that oo materhow ofle you'r oldabout i, you ever
| it undecsand it compltey il you ive through it yoursel. (The firt timeyou fl i lowe and he frst
| time you getno Gightal n a 12" recor) ik thei releaiog a ew CDILP i May, 0 ook ou for
hatss well. OR)
1" lovsick * . o.box 970021 * Ypeileni, M1 48197

'BOMBSHELL ROCKS “Cityrats & Alleycats”
Wee a couple months Into the year 2001 and this is still the best album of the year.
‘Bombshell Rocks have moved beyond sounding like a good imitation of Rancid and have
‘become their own band on this release. This CD is classic sounding street punl that's as
catchy as hell. 13 songs that will have you singing along in no time, jumping around,
head bobbing in all out ecstasy. This is & punk classic just waiting t happen. (TK)
‘Burning Heart Records * 2798 Sunset Bivd. * Los Angeies, CA 50026

! DROPRICK MURPHYS /THE BUSINSS * Mob Mentali”

| e scen reviews for this CD in some magazines and ['ve noticed that it hasn't been
getting very good feedback. Personally, | think this Is a great CD. How can it be
anything less than stellar when You have one of the greatest Oil bands and one of the
Bottest newcomers to the scenc comblning their resotirces. On this CD you get The.
Business doing two Dropkick songs, Dropkick doing two Business songs, each band
doing 2 additional covers, both bands doing one of thelr own songs and & duet with both
bands. You igiow both bands 50 you know what you'l be getting if you buy his GREAT
music. (T

| Taang Records * 706 Pismo Ct. * San Diego, CA 92109

LE TIGRE - “From The Desk Of M. Lady” EPCD
Although tis EP (sove songs,ane of which isa emi) i deitiely heading i iffent divestion from
thei rovious aibum, I don't think ] cansay whether i’ 3 st forward o tep backward, This has .
‘more promineo hip-bop iffucnce whereas thre previous stulfwas reying o th vers-chorus-verse
structure. Albough the dance-abilty facor has been diminished somewhat, the poltical orietation of the
yris are muc more obvious. In fat, 1 don't hink youcouldmis ‘em i you tried. This i a rally great
album -but P ave o sy that [ iked the LP bettr, Members include Kathieen Hanna (ikin Kil, Juie
Rauin) s two oler il s 1 don't know. On eale fom jumping besns o ishwasbers..'d give this
a hopscatch. OR)

Mr. Lady * .o, box 3159 * Dusham, NC27715

«
DROPKICK MURPHYS “Sing Loud, Sing Proud”
|Dropidccs newest reease rings & capanded inup with the addition of a second
uttaris, & mandolin and in whiste playes and a full e bagpiper. This new 7-picce
fncup sounds geat. This may sound weird bt his CD contains some of the best songs
Dropliek has cve it down, ety 80m on bere s outstanding ye at the same time its
! my leat avorite Dropic aivrm and Ty s listened to one. Let me explain; | love al
16 tracks on here so st t thia often but unlike their other albums this one s
missing that one super caichy sing-a-Jong pub song and | miss i, That's my only
Complaint. Special acst vocals e provided by Cotin McPaull (Cocksparrer) on Fortuncs
of War and Shane MacGowan (Poguee) on Good Rats (plus Wid Rover on the vinyl
Version of the riease). Fd buy this i L were you. (TV

Hielcat Records * 2755 Sunset Bivd, * Los Angels, CA 90026

| RANCID *Rancid”

Docs anyone vty need areview oftis? Gone are al the ok and rggae rapping that

P et (i ot a0 Flets and pur Pk 1wt You e et
et e ot st Raned has rcorde o date s propably thel et albon Y.
e o v i bt Yo G B o s sors . ida ot Lar b o

e et ht i b lcased o Marc 20w caio L Prerikion and the Basarde ()
o hecords 798 Saes B, » Lo Angece, A 90026

THE SOFTIES -Fioldy In Rce " LPICD
Two gl plying guirs, ylophooe, (i) druns,piano d siging, Mty songs st
isapoinment d bearace withan ot viw of e . hav s sl of s
20 o b o part ey s (h same, osides o fct st ey oo ler et
eide g and voels o s coe. Ovrl i 3 el Gt alm ad l e s

oy ot workd should befrcd o iseno't. (R)

1 Krords .o box 7154 * lympis, WA 98507

VARIOUS ARTISTS * Punch Drunk I
et e o e o o -3t o, Ol and tradiionsl ska. Though
et sty i fom son 12 s0n tis CD offersa good varityofsounds. 25
o 55 bands i uniloase racs by The Bodics, Sscr, Antieces,
‘Suburban Threat and Niblick Henbane as well as songs from Dropkick Murphys, the.
B apiar: Runing Rt and o 1 you e any of the bands or are ooking
o by out & couple nw bands id this album. (V)

s 104 24n Strct. 4103 - S Priisto, CA 94114

AMERICAN HIFt “Amerioan Hi-FF
bented car fo a tip & while back and al it had vas & crappy radio, foring me o
lscen 1o ahity alternative radio. 1id here this pop-puniish song calied “Fiavor of the
Wesk that 1 . 1 & thini much sloc about tho song or the band undl | saw this
o st the eat weel t was released, 5 | leked it up. What | bought was @ band
it s having an dentity criis, They don' know Ifthe should be Collecive Soul, Blink
182, Nirvana or Third Eye Blind. Though the songs are wel written, well payed and well
recorded this band won't make any kind of impact until they decide who they are and
Diay there own syl (TVC)

Teland Def Jam Music Group * 825 Eighth Ave. * New York, New York 10019

o
| coLD AS LiPE “Dectination o Independence

Detroit's rigning hardcore kings are back with a heavier album than their last.
‘Bverything on here is heavy with a capital H, fom the vocals to the gultar, o the bass
and drums right down t the lyrial content. This album proves why bands such as Sick
01t Al an H20 have sung the praiseg of Cod as Lfe I you prefer the od sty version
of hardcore than ths s for you.. €T\

CITYC » PO Box 441905 * Detroit, M1 48244

FORDIRELIPESAK “fortreicsake”
Sl ricased et G from tis p ane coming Detzlt band. This 4 song BP shows
hy tneas guys s ome o the biggiet drawing bands In Detroit. Scrcaming hardcore
ith melodic peskiowns comprie the songs o here. The las fw months have socn
fordirelifesake take their act on the road from Chicago to New York and judging from the
mount of Cs that they s0d ther was many an impressed audince member (YY)
Fieh Quality Data Processing - 36560 Winkler - Hartson Twp, M1 48045

VIA - “Tcts Toms”
i o ey s s Fromsckver sy, o o b and
2 punk k. Tis i el o, o e vy o K . e ould bt el

. i ad ol oo of Bt Mg sl o of 2 o e et Tis gy
scommended s abody who i s of in e egions o e b it iy i ame. A o

i owprin f v ol her's sl o by i )

Kl Rok S VB 18-+ 30N St Ao+ i WA 5851

BONECRUSHER “Followers of & Brutal Calling

More tough Oil from these Call skinheads. MRR has been singing there praises for

| awhile now so don't you think its about time you get with it and get their albums. 15

heavy hitting songs singing the praises of working class skinhead pride. Bonecrusher is
the next wave of Oil bands. e heard the band has MP3' of all their songs on

their website 0 go hear what all e fuss Is about or better yet buy the CD's and support

underground music. (T¥

Outsider Records * PO Box 92708 * Long Beach, CA 90809

AGAINST ALL AUTHORITY “Nothing New for Trash Like You®
The latest Subity release (this time benefiting the Radiation and Public Health Project,
Inc) complles 18 out-of print and hard-to-find songs from 1992-2000. T've always liked
AAA combination of ska and hardcore but the songs on here aro by far there best work.
‘This CD Includes cover of Propagandi's *Ska Sucks” which I feel is better than the
g, jone that buys this will gt a great album as well as helping out a worthwhile
cause. (¥

Subelty * PO Box 7495 * Vaix Nuys, CA 914097495

‘TEMPLARS “Biaus Seighors Freres”
Not a clue to what the title means so don't ask. ‘This is & collection of older Templars
‘songs, 4 of which héve different members (bands name is also different) and 3 of those.
‘songs lack Carl's vocals, ‘This CD is poorly recorded but s an important document of the
‘bands history. With the members of this band scattered all over the globe this ls
‘basically Carl and Phil messing eround on a 4 track until Perry returned. Good but not
great 5o if youte not yet a fan of this band find one of their other albums and then youl
el the need to get this. (T

TKO Records * 4104 24® St. #103 * San Francisco, CA 94114

\Y
ST

£ o
BLOODPACT *Bastarcization”
This is a colection of reviously (yet hard to-find) released materlal from this Ann Arbor
based positive hardcare band. “This i definitely not the brand of hardcore that has been
Co-0ptid by the mainstream labels, this is brutal and honest hardcore in the Earthmover,
Walle of Jericho and Varsity vain. This CO contalns basically cverything the band has
ver relcased as well g6 two never before lieard songs. Positive hardcore at is best.
Before you decide not to buy this because you assuae that by positive [ mean straight
edze, let me just say taat this band doesu't do the preachy skit like so many of the.
Victory crap that keeps flooding the mark=t. And that by positive | meen ant-racist, pro-
women, anti-corporation and th like. The band reieased this themselves but there's 0o
‘adAiress on it but Andy runs +/- Records s0 I'm giving that address as the contast. ¢ T)
/- Records * PO Box 7096 * Ann Arbor, MI 48107

VIOLENT SUBVERSION “Few and Far Between EP*
1 got this in “he mail the other and was blown away with the firstlisten. 1didn* think

il oy e ot O i T dos ha. Thersare 5 re polically and
il omtcin s cha ik cos o blng reachy ad sl on s lb of wex.
o i vl o B et o i s aniracit b, 1 orver i
e e ing e . o il ever b complte i st
e sy 05 cocs (100 of hich e, e YY), 10700 bt
kst sk o ot e how 1 8t 4 any 4 shod covee . (T¥)
e S 354 <. Bastnam, MA 03631-1955

UR.C. "Second State”
Old schod, up-tempo, snotty, o futur siyle punk that Justs destroys. Remembr the.
s of spiked up mult-colored mohawks and leather Jackets Gt you Just peint the
Togo' of all your favorte bands on? 1 do and this 7" brings me back to those woudertul
s before i was somewbiat acoeptablo and Bliak 183 rgd the ainvaves. Similar i
Syie to that which the Casualtes and Blanks 77 play. (T

‘Charged Records * PO Box 157 - High Bridge, NJ 06829

For an honest, opec-minded review - sand records to the followigfiddress, and
plesse don't be discouraged to send any type of music (on any format)
Tono Yerser
PoBex 180983

Lisea, MI
48318-0983

"
Lost in floods of émotion
‘The pain drags them out from depths
‘They*ve lain buried in tense muscles.

Sweat drenches my body.
1t's beads mix with my few tears
One foot in front of the other,
simplicity
1 continue to move,
Until the pain is so great that my mind

from my body,
which perpetually moves onward
step after step
T begin to feel released.
Tomorrow is too far away
Random memories drift through me
Tam dreaming wide awake
Strange notes slip through my lips
Tt ains but I don’t mind anymore
My body moves on
My mind grows

—LYDIA Bt
#8 Why punk rock and not hair metal?
J: I'm not good enough at guitar.
K: Lcan'ttwisla drumstick between my fingers.

#9 Give me some insight on your local scene, if i's active and other
dedicated bands around.

J: Vinyl Addict Records used to have really great shows until they got shut
down for fire hazards. They're still active, they just can’t have shows
anymore. They also have a huge sclection of zines and pamphlets on a vast
artay of topics, from books on vibrators to anarchist essays. Mike, who runs
the shop, also helps organize the local Food Not Bombs chapter.

The bands Abe Froman and Canine Sugar are two of my favorite
bands and I just happen to be lucky enough to live near them. Abe Froman
play pop-punk that’s heavily influenced by Aaron Cometbus and Canine:
Sugar play the bestest indie-rock in the universe.

K: The Flint Local 432 and the Metropolis arc the only big places where a
“scene” would gather, There is also a small coffee shop named Beans and
Leaves at which we played our firstshow. All of these are located in
downtown Flint (on the same street even), and the bands that play are usually
the same type of music, either ska or emo. Empire of One used to put on
excellent shows. 1t was a skateboarding shop with a half pipe in the front of
the store and skate videos playing all the time. This is where both Justia and I
seen This Robot Kill for the first time.

o
#10 Talk about your demo.

J: Tiike it

K: 1 was impressed and indeed, Ryan's assistance was greatly appreciated.
#11 What was the best show you two put on and where’s your next?

J: My favorite show was at Todd Keyser's house. We read from Beyond
Good And Evil by Friedrich Nietzsche, danced to a halo bender's song and
played fourteen songs in about ten minutes. Our next wonderful tea
party/punk show is wherever someone asks us to play.

K: Tam in total agreement with the J-Dog, but it seems that the last show we
play is always the best. I like this progressive show-playing state we're in. I
highly recommend any Nietzsche you can get yout hands on.

J: Some of the stuff Nietzsche did is horrble though, so stay away from that.
#12 What “new” band do you feel is impact-worthy and has integrity?
3: The only band that even comes to mind is Lovesick. They're just the most

| amazing band I've ever seen. | don't think there's any other band in the world
that even comes close to them. The first time I seen them was at Empire OF

| One in Flint. They played with This Robot Kills, who I think Keith and T both

| agree are nothing short of amazing themselves.1f you ever have a chance to

‘ see them play I urge you to do so and I can guarantee that, at the least, two
‘years of pure happiness will be added to your life.

K: Took the word out of my mouth.

#13 Here’s a few odd ones, In two words sum up teenage lfe....
J: dialect, Ideservetohavelivedahundredyearsago.

K: Independent spirit

#14 Now in one word describe yourself....

3: Smorgasbord.

K: Blah.

; rt, checking out
1415 0.K., P'm looking at the photocopied Smut demo inse
thetyrics and T notice unlike many bands, Smut uses 2 more abstract
approach tosocial issues, almost n a way that can be nterpret
| differently by each Individual, s this the idea?

7
3: Yeah, T suppose. We're not as based in our convictions as a lot bands.
Which I think is good......being a litle more open minded. I don’t think our
yrics are that abstract though. I feel certain ways about certain things, but
everything is 50 complex and connected, that I fecl by witing about situations
overall and not i detail we’re covering a lot more ground and offering
opportunities to be inspired, that would other wise not exist. So, yes, that's the
idea,

#16 You mention two authors as being influential to your songs, Carl
Sagan and Nancy Hale. Why do you recommend these authors?

J: Both of those people areluwere beautiful writers and extremely intelligent
human beings. Every day 'm inspired by a slew of people, situations and
emotions to live life and create a thousand tiny things that nobody will
‘probably ever care about. 1 just had two songs that were about ot inspired by
Carl Sagan and Nancy Hale and we just happened to record those two songs
for the tape.

K: Bver since I read The Demon Haunted World (by Carl Sagan), I have been
enthralled with everything he has ever done. 1 am finishing up Billions And.
Billiops, which is a phenomenal book and I encourage everyone and their
grandma to read it. The implement that causes me to write is usually the
amount of ignorance I'm forced o face at school everyday. It's not a big deal
o them, but the intelligence among ignorance becomes the one who
concedes. That's unfair and what better subject to write abou than injustice? I
ot only refer to songs but picces for the most part

#17 Whatis Beat Happening?

‘Beat Happening is a lo-f, fairly obscure pop band from the northwest that
T'm, for the most part, obsessed with.

#18 Wh:

triggers the need in you to create music?

K: For me personally, I bang on my drums to release anger, but to create
‘music is to throw your beliefs in one's face and hope some of it leaves scars.

J: “If your heart beats are you not a musician?” -John Cage:
#19 Say hi to two people real quick.
K: Hello Rand; hello Paul.

i Annabelle and Hank.

#20 What early punk bands are cherished in the young Smut heart?

%
U, Half Japaness, The Raincoats, The Monkess, Sonic Youth, early

lack Flag (before Henry), The Vaselines, The Melvins, The Temptations

mx line-up of course) and Daniel Johnston. That's really all [ can think
now,

K: Oh wow, that's quite the bold question. All of the above including vast
‘amount of hardcore bands, tiot grirl barids, and many others like Charles
Bronson, Spazz, Minor Threat, S.0.A., Teen Idles, Bikini Kill, Screeching
Weasel, Beat Happening, Pinhead Gunpowder, Nirvana was & huge influence
onme s well as many, maniy more. These are the ones off the top of my
head.

#21 Is there a story behitid the band name?

: We went through a bagrel ull of absolutely.horrible names (The Nerdcats,
“The Delicious Turds, ct.) and one day Keith and I were in French class
Tooking in the French-Engish dictionaries for cuss words. We saw the word

| smut and made the ever-brave decision right there in French 1. I'm fine with

“ the name, but I'm just worried that it's going to misrepresent us (if it hasn't

| already.) OF course we both own pormography and enjoy it, but I in no way
‘wantto promote it T suppose I'm just concemed about my emotional-

.| feminist-boy image.

#22 Give me your stance on violence and guns. I violence ever
necessary? How about personal arms?
J: Basically, I feel that different situations call for differeat actions, Violence
should always be'a st resort, but L can easily think of reasons to use it.
Personally, | hate guns, bit as a law abiding citizen, I absolutely demand
‘access to-one if I so choose. Asking tmy stance on the right to bear arms is o
pretty broad question and I'm not exactly sure how to give an answer that
‘would express how I feel. . i

K: I'm a pacifist. Recently, I-have: thought this matter out. I believe it is.
important to haye the right to arm bears.....l mean the right o bear arms. Itis
essential for the states fo have the power to form a militi; hence the need for
the second amendeat.

#23 Anarchism or government reform?

J: Government reform: There are far oo many chances for anarchy to have an
‘extremely negative effect, more than government reform anyway. However, I
o agree with many gf the anarchist ideals

K: Without & doubt; government reform. Sudden anarchy is chaotic.
Government reform thiough a series of revolutions.

#24 Do you guys use any type of mind-altering substances?
L K: Yes, sir.

#5 1Is classification destroying punk?

J:1 don’t think so. s notlike punk rock s an establishment. There's not
Teally much to destroy. At the most we're justa loosely kit network of kids.
Yes, 1 hate going to a show and sceing five different bands playing the same
one song over and over again, but also don't like coming home with ska
albums. Maybe if I was a part of a “scene” I'd understand. I think the problem

i the kids that only associate with people who like the same things as they do.
From what I sec, diversity is more than needed.
#26 Give me an example of non-punk music that you listen to.

J: Although a lotof the stuff lsten to sn’tin MAXIMUMROCKNROLL, to
e, if it's a good idea and it's fun, then it's punk rock. Example: The
Raincoats extended play 10”

K: Wu Tang Clan.
#27 Tell me a story of a punk show gone bad that you were at.

J: Five white boys were in a band yelling about the injustices of the world
‘While a gang of their white boy friends were beating each other up in the
front.

#28 Fill me in on your other forms of activism.

3:1do a zine called If Only Thoughts Could Kill, but due toa lack of free
ime I've decided to put that on hold for awhile. I help put together this zinc.
I'm in a band called Dinosaurs, Bascball and Hopscotch and I do some solo
Stuff too, I've recently started a cassettc only label called Friends and
‘Relatives, that's a ot of fun o do. I contribute o a few zines when asked, [
give piles of zines and pamphiets away at shows, [ ike spinach pizza and I

arguealot.

K: My activism s on a social level in most cases, especially in school. Tlove
to debate.

#29 s violent demonstrations and activism a logical step toward a
significant change?

3: Logical? No. Possible? Yes.

#30 What negative aspects of society motivate your band to speak?

K: Credulity. e\
! J: Mostly just making noise and having fun. We're gonna do some songs on a
compilation for #¥of the zine Hooligan House and. ‘maybe a couple on a Bitter
Like The Bean comp. Hopefully some more tapes afte that too, We don't
really look into the future very much, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or
ot We do things when thir possble. Perhaps we should take things reore
seriously, but to me it’sjust music. Not something to base your lfe on. There
are far more important things in life. )

#32 Are you in anyway patriotic and what are your belifs on patriotism
in the scene?

J: Well, 've never betrayed my country, but what's “my country” besides a
set of boundaries on a map? I'm loyal to my family and true friends 1 think
that's whal's important. Punk rock patritism i usually worn like a badge and
is absolutely ridiculous i almost ll ases. Being completely loyal to anything
besides people is usually absurd.

K: Absolutely not. Again, I will say the social aspect between mutual friends
and, of couse, family s ranked over a petty conformist dea of being a part of
something.

#33 Best band ever?
J: Half Japanese:
K: Half Japanese
#34 Say something intelligent to the scene...

K: Remain autonomous. Tis alk-important o do so. Leam as miich as you
possibly can. I would rather float with the freethinkers than drown in a sea of
credulous minds.

J: Tiy to look at things from every angle. Have adventures and eat candy.
Change your name and birth date every day. Stay up nights thinking of things
o say and do. Realize your potential and manipulate it to achieve your
desires. Ride in the back of trucks. Stare at things until they shift and contort
into what you want them to be and don't let people tell you your not in love
because of you age.

we like it when people write to us:
SMUT
o0 Hign st,
haclo e, T
Sesi3
Strange how things come when you stop searching. They are there if you

stop waiting:- It works when you stop pushing. Find balance, let go of

worries. Allow pieces imogir‘pmcu. See the beauty in having no

expectations. Let possessions loose and freedom will stay with you.

Patience. Trust. Honesty. Relax and speak from your depths. Your words

willring with the most truth they are allowed. Let go of fear. Strength in

surrender.

-LYDIA

&3
X5PRITUCXFULKERY

1 got busted in ‘97 after & S-month dope bings with a stolen gun, a nickel-plated.
9mm. As I sat in the back of the cop car puking (trying to launch vomit through the
‘metal mesh between the hard plastic seat sat on in the back and the comfy. upfront
oncs of the cops, only getting it all over my filthy pants and combat boots, | knew | was
golng to prison. No stopping it. 1 hadn reported to my P.O. in months, had 3 warrants
that [ knew of (grand theft fircarm, grand theft auto and grand thet property. [was at a.
point in my sedated and stimulated life where I truly belleved if I could steal something
from you than you didu' deserv it) and my probation was joint-suspension, meaning if |
got arrested before completing the -year probationary period (which was a sure thing,
trouble was my choice) I would be headed at sonic speeds to the jint to play don' ook
tough fella with the big boys. [ was 20, about 120 Ibs., a human stick-bug with bulging,
bloodshot, vacant vacuums for eyes. Strings with ink and needle marks made up my
arms, the rest of my body pale from moonlit nocturnal activities and a brain of toxic:
‘narcotic dreamy conspiracies. I had been spun out without a chance to sieep in days,
had' eaten in more and had just done my first shot of heroln in my 1ife an hour before
the black and white crushed my chance to stay on the streets. [ was fucked!

1 shouldn have done the heroin. Then I could have run when I heard the
squealing brakes behind me. 11 had done a shot of speed instead I could have ditched
those pigs when the hyper adrenaline threw my feet mad against the pedals of my
‘orrowed, stolen, pleced together, tweeker-rigged bike with the black maglight duct-taped
to the handle bars. T wouldve gotten away, again. Instead, 1 was on a siow, sloppy ride
from the heroin and reaction time was inadequate o do much of anything. That was &
bad, bad day. Well cight or nine days.

1 had been running ounces of speed for this dude Skol, who was keeping me high, giving
me tattoos, CD’'s, guns, small cash, bag whores to spend a few raunchy hours with when
‘my deviant side got out of control, and various other liegal shit to do the job. He was
mass-paranoid because one of his customers getting busted with a fanny-pack ful of
speed and being back out that night and at Skol's door begging t buy a half pound,
more than the dude had ever fucked with before. Skol knew it was a set-up and the cops
would have their eyes on him. That's at least the story he told me. 1 didn? give a fuck if
dude wanted to hole up in his studio room on the east-side ghetto of Lancaster and pay
me to run his shit. Hell, | didn’t care i he had testified on & murder before as long as |
got dope. My head was 5o fucked from the drugs anyway and | was always running from
the man. | was stretching fate and luck to the i, two twin sisters who have never.
appreciated me giving them no respect. They still hold a grudge. 14 show up around
2a.m to answer a page Skol had sent hours before (he gave me stolen pager 80 he could.
contact me wherever | may be creeping, plllaging or sncaking). When I got there I do
the knock, 3 taps and & *...pest! 1 me fucker, 0pen up.” with & couple more taps on
the painted over window Bext to the porch. He used to flip on the porch light until |
‘smashed the bulb once when & cop was siding by. I wait for him and his girl Megan to
ot dressed, grab the gun and throw all the locks t the tweak den. I load the dope Into
my backpack, take off my leather jacket and fx the shot of speed walting In the spoon.
end slam it ail. The rush, bairs on my neck electrified, my breath stolen, coughing the
chemical taste, my stomach knotting up, goose bumps everywhere, and my dick erect to
the point of almost exploding in my boxers. [4 get a tattoo from Skol, while Megan yelled
for having me over so late. 14 then get a few more CD's, another clp for the 9, some.
personal dope stash, a fw beers and then ' hit the cold, blurry streets Just before dawn
and the real worid woke up.

‘That s the loneliest feeling in the world. Alone, high and hopeless under the
gray dreary sky, the stars winking out like your future. Peet hurting from walking in the
chill and the sun coming up like & crimson eye of some hateful god. 1 hated being out in
the light where people could see me for what [ was, unhealthy, hurt, drugged, faling,
cmpty, done-with, disty and sclf-abused. 1 always wore my leather and a lon thermal
shit o cover the tracks on my arms and to hide the new tattoos from my scratching
Gingers. 14 been wearing the same Jeans for about a week. | needed to get back to my
squat for a fow days, after | did the deliveries of course.

84
1 needed to ind a payphone and call Kristy, my young and clucless giririend
who I had completely corrupted and ruined. After me she'd be useless. *Come pick me
Up now, got shit on me”. She pull up in her “oh 50 cute don't you think” Jetta with the
‘sunroof and CD player sporting a Sublime bumper sticker and a look on her face that
2aid “mommy bought the car”. *Scoot over...” she'd jump in the passenger seat and ook
ot me as | jumped in and cjected White Zombi, tossing it in her Iap and tell her to “burn
that shitt® 14 dig in my backpack looking for something fucking fast, loud and pisged o
put in. The music needed to match my mood. Volume at max Il floor the car, my head
‘moving In double time to the bass drum, cyes on Kristy's pouting face more than the
Foad, yelling, screaming the lyrics. 1 want some dope” she'd say, her cyes alight with
that sick lk addiction becomes. How did she get turned out so casily? Why do all good
girls cream for a rotten naughty boy? 1dont understand the attraction but | know that it
Gists, Tve heiped to destroy far too many “good” girls. Someone fucked me up when I
was stll Innocent and | guess I've been trying to repay ‘em all.

We'd find a dit road on the outskirts of town to get out of sight. 14 pull out my.
twesker pack, rummaging through the Jun to find the half-cmpty bottie of warm tap
water tasting lke Skol' plumbing, my outfit and a tablespoon. Kristy's eyes were twin
‘moons picrced with black holes. | mixed up two big shots In the spoon, pulling up S0cc’s
for my desire ridden rag-doll, her arms used to be meaty and tanned now they're palc
‘and marked like mine with purple brulses in the crook of her arm. She give me her
‘arm, squeczing her bicep and pumping her fst, averting her cyes vacently looking into
‘nothing walting t be rocketed from the void of her need by the chemical solution. 1 shot
her up; T lwaye seemed to give her litle more than the last time. Demn shame. |
wanted company at the bottom, so 1 created a creature to share my world of nothingness
and pain. 1was & plece of fucking dog shit.

My load was the devl in & meth molecule hot rod, perverting me cven decper. |
felt the dope burning a path in my veins, completely reducing my body to small galaxics
of atoms suddenly changed to overdrive. Everything became fuzzy and sharp. Kristy
Wouldnt shut her mouth spitting random thoughts out before she realized what it was
that she was saying, her thoughts jumbled and Jumping. She sounded schizophrenic. |
tore out into the empty desert road to the anthems of Das Klown.

Driving around all day and night slinging Skol's dope to addicts and tweekers of
all sizes and shapes. From one ghetto to another they all shared the same pleading
‘xpression In their cycs, thelr souls screaming at me through bloodshot whitcs and
dilated puplls. The speed in my hands was their only savior from a repulsive existence
‘and 1o one wanted to wake from the Intoxicated stupor because the truth of what they
Were, what we were was unfaccable. My soul screamed back at them help me, help us,
4o somethingt" But 1 did nothing except take the money and hand over a baggie of Focky.
‘powder.

After two days of peddling driigs, ges stations and phone booths, 40 oz's that
lled the thirst, shots of spoed, Wasted Youth and Black Flag, driving, avolding cops, no
showers, fucking on back roads in dusty swea, cating nothing and acquiring a fat stack
of dope maoney, Kristy dropped me off at Skol's and speed off glad to be rid of me. Al she
‘Teeded to survive was that half-gram I provided her. Sheld be back though. Too bad, too
bad 1 didn’t love her enough to stop helping her ruin her lie. Skol gave me a quarter 0z.
‘and 50 bucks for the two days of hell. He also gave me a Suicidal Tendencies “Join the
‘Army® t-shirt, “Give me & tattoo, bro...” and he did, SID, my daughier’s name, on my
forearm. Needle marks were flled with black ink. My arm was impaled so many times a
day, I had a fixation

1 caled Angela, my stripper friend, to catch a ride to Palmdale and my squat
apartment. When she pulled up 1 el Into the passengers scat. Too Short was in, |
‘witched it to Swingin’ Utters as she told me her good news. “1 got into the business! I'n
2 happy! $1200 & moviel Ive gone amateur.... Promoted from stripper to nobody porn
Star, 1 guess 1 was supposed to be happy for her. She showed me her new tts at a siop
Sign, silly me 1 hadn' even noticed, only her third job. 20,000 green backs for the fake
fantasy inducing male control devices. ‘She also had a new tattoo on her belly just above
the plercing, PORN STAR. “That's original’, [ said.

‘She had some crystal, the good shit. She didn' slam nd there was a 0o
shooting up policy in her car, s0 we snorted a couple lincs. I gagged, my nose felt ke a.
Folten cavity as the chemicals disintegrated and coated my constricting throat. She

8<
kissed my cheek as we pulied up to the curb in front of my shanty residence. “You look
bad, babe, nced to eat-n-slecp more hon. Kick the neede cute, get some color back. And
those clothes doll Have a shower. Call me when you wake up, we'l dance®, her beautiful
brown face and Hispanic accent almost the perfection of femininity. That was until you
Iooked in the eyes and saw her tortured soul clawing for lfe. She was one of us; We were
‘ot part of s subculture of walking corpses. The living dead in a world of chemical
slavery, deviants of a dark twisted membership of discase and self-hate, a sickness
contagious. “Thanks Angl, | love you, I said “congratulations on the niew Job, get out of
this shit hole move to LA or Orange County, fuck this valley. Be good.* She laughed
while putting Too Short back in and pulling away from the curb.

I walked up the steps to the second story; Dr. Know seeped from under my door
lke sewage. Someone was home. I had been the proud resident of #9 for two months.
Pete, the creepy old guy that had lived there was living on the streets somewhere. He
would give gila o the streets a bed o crash on and & roof o live under, only demanding
drugs as payment. But, after @ fow days he would start hinting at how much he needed.
0 be sucked off. It did't stop there, he would progress to walking around naked or
‘masturbating with his door open, then groping, grabbing and threatening. A close
girfriend of mine, Kendra brought me back there one night so we could get high.

‘Kendra is a strawberry; she sels her body for dope or money for dope. Tve
known her since 9% grade; we used to robo in music appreciation class and talk about
the Sex Pistols and Crass. She always had a purpic and black chelsca for as long as Ve,
icown her. She got strung out hall way through the year, dropped out and hit the
strcets. | went to jail. We ran into each other years later, Termirial Holocaust, a local
hXe band had somehow booked Jonathan's Partytime for a show of bad-fuckin'-ass
hometown pun rock that guaranteed a huge turn-out and the promise of anger, bloody
pits and violeace once alcohol and drugs took effect. Jonathan's was a generic Chuck E.
Cheeze and was packed out with a hundred dic hard locals shit-faced, pissed off
‘oboxious and looking for trouble in the form of a hopeful teen riot. "There had been no.
{yers, only word of mouth so the cops weren'*t even i t the shit yet. Not until Bob
Ackerman got bebind the mic and started spiting on cveryone and leading Terminal into
an all-out slaughter of the Inner-car drum. The complex shared a parking lot with Toys
R Us and the noise escaped the small confines of the pizza playland. By the time the
pigs arrived we had destroyed the interior, literally. Kendra had been socking everyone.
in the crotch as they swam by in the slam pit current. 1 hadn't seen her in ages. We.
dropped a few hits of Jesus Christ and left just before the cops entered the equation. We
stayed in contact as possible, but 1 hated the fact that she rented out her pussy to pay.
for her habit. I tole, robbed, conned and scammed, but she wasn up to being a partner
inmy crime sprees. Bad habits are hard to break. | couldn' support two dope fiends.
‘She hit the corners and I kept to the back alleys. Life rolls on, sometimes staggering,
others fleting as melting snow under solar pancls

‘She had been giving Pete “favors” to stay. 1didnt know. The apartments were,
chock fullof welfare recipients, methadone Junides, a street gang, heroin and specd
fends, a couple of hookers and a clucked-out manager. Rent money was non-cxisteat,
drugs and unprotected sex abounded, and robberies, drug deals and tricks supplied life
‘sustenance. Everyone hated cach ottier, everyone was fucking each other and fights
between tenants were commonplace.

When Kendra led me into #9 that night Pete sat on the couch, pants down,
toothiless grin, slobbering on his erection as e puled of t a teen gil fick. One look at
the TV and you knew that shit was legal. We went into the bathroom for privacy. She
stripped to shower while I fixed us up a few shots. The hard water beat against her back,
‘covered completely with a goat-head tattoo. 1 shot up while she dried off. The adrenaline
Fush demonic. 1 had been p so long I saw shadow people in the corners of my eyes and
‘was hearing whispers behind me. Weird noises from the living room and the anger
exploded in my mind like a hydrogen bomb atomic molotov. There was an old creep in
the other room Jacking off to teenage girls being abused and cxploited on video for
cheap cum shot. 1 know how serious sexual abuse is and the bubbles of rage were
becoming spastic, like boiling water. Release, a time for violence of pure rage, ventlation
for revenge never served. Kendra stayed n the bathroom while | kicked the shit out of
Pete, shattered his teen honey video and flung open the door, shoving him down a stary
of stairs. People were In the yard at the bottom. “That motherfucker is a potential

86
‘molester, he's 8614, piece of shit, I said before retreating into the newly vacated #9. Pete
hadn' scen the end to his bloodshed that night. Needicss to say, he never came back.
There were street rumars that he was a wanted rapist, 1 guess he just faded nto the
biacktop on some dead end street. Good riddance.

Kendra came out and we celebrated the take over of #9 by dancing naked to
‘some Op Ivy. We both knew all the Iyrics and for some reason at that time that was &
huge Nucking tur on. Like finding a meaningful bond with another lost soul, two pieces
of matter floating like amebas in @ state of chemical trance. We lied to each other that
night in Pete's old bed, which was now “ours”. We said we loved cach other and although
naive and ridiculous, we both flt comforted to be safe, not alonc, under a roof and the.
virtual owners of a pisce to call home. | didnt love her, she didn’t love me, but we had
Bllen in love with the moment. And that moment felt good. We stayed together for about
3 weeks, my midnight excursions keeping us high; she wasot fucking anyone but her
girfriend Becka and me. A desperate phone call to my mom put food In the fridge. We.
were thanidul. She went out one night and the pigs got her for some warrents, | never
‘saw her again. Alll had for memories were her Naked Aggression tape, some black g-
strings, her eather bondage blindfold and some Polarold’s we took together. 1 also had.
Becka, who moved Into my bed the night Kendra got cracked. Ain*t love grand?

“Fist fuck, take it like man...” | mouthed the words as [ walked in #9, no lights
but the Technicolor of the TV, all the biinds closed, the circulation was non-cxistent and
the little apartment smelt ks weed, beer, cat uriné and anal sex. My cat G.G. broke for
the door like a small, furry torpedo into the outside world. “It's a jungle out there G.0.% I
said as I.shut the door. Snow Ball, my 18 year-old boyfriend, small and thin, shaved
head, ice blue eyes that conjured demons up in the face of @ porcelain angel, sat on the
floor playing Nintendo 64 on the 13" Zenith. A thick orange extension cord ran under the.
door to the balcony and to #8, Lady Maria's. She had been supplying #9 with juice since.
the Pete days in exchange for dope, of course. | had got at Sergio, the top dog of the
Svreno (South Side) gang Palmas, who used the apartment as hood base and kept all
unwantcd traffc out of the complex to look out for her. Becka was fucking his old lady
too. Small world.

“Mhere was a couch, a bunch of pached beanbag chairs I got from goodwill, &
stack of CD's, a drum set, bass and guitar stacks, my [bancz vintage bass end feader on
the walls, a huge mirror on cinder blocks acted as a coffec table. A scattering of clothes,
shoes, samut mags, beer cans, zines and flyers were strewn cverywhere. It was home: A
Smm was on the fioor next to Snow Ball, bare chested in silk boxers that were full of
holes. Also on the floor was some lotion and a short, thin, pink, ass dildo lying on a
towel. Bad boy. Mario died and Snow Ball looked up as I changed the tunes o some
Propagandi.

“Where is everyone?* asked. Sent them away, I siept for lie 18 bours. Just
got up. Where you been? T've been worried to death?, he said, his voice as creamy as
Gool Whip. *Around.” 1 got out of my leather, pecled off my thermal stuck to me like a
‘second skin, kicked off my tattered Alrwalks and dropped my pants. Snow Ball smiked, |
ould see that he was stoned, his blue eyes hid behind sits of lashes, almost as long and
thick as my own. He licked his lips.

‘“You're wicked, | laugh as | head for the shower. From beneath the water | yell
t0 him to get the dope and money from my pockets and o a shot and have me one
waiting, 14 been up for days and had no Intention of stopping Just yet. Compulsive.
‘addiction fanatic perverse disonder, routine suicide. He said he would and called e
“loved one”. 1 didn' love him well loved his body, and the sex. Closc cnough, my
emotions were dead at that time in my life. A great big vokl with a lttl hole in my arm
‘over feeding thie black thing inside. That's what got us in the fight, that progressed o me.
getting caught after 5 months of successfully evading the man-the ncedic.

I dried off, pulled on some boxers and found Snow Ball smoking speed out of a.
glass pipe. The liuid bubbling and sublimating into spinning swirls of ghastly thick
Smoke spiraling into his 0" shaped mouth, down his air pipe to crystallize the fibers in
his lungs. He blew out a demon cloud and 1 saw dragons and devils swimming in the.
vapors. The smoke plumes dissipated and he was handing me the pipe. | wouldn't
Louch it. “Where's my shot?” | venturcd, the past days of insanily causing nervous.
spasms in my head. “You don need onc baby, come on let’s go to bed”, he said,
Soothingly like candy. “Don't nced one? What the Puckl Wheres my rig?” | screamed;

81

small atomic explosions were crupting. 1 grabbed him, shaking bis shoulders, his head
Dailing like a newborn with no neck control. Pulling him face to face cast him a caustic
glare and uttered the truth of my doom... “Give it to me asshole, I need it.*

With beads of tears congregating at the corners of his cyelids he showed me the
needle broken on the flor, It was snapped in two, like | was, like my 1fe would be, like it
had been, In two unrepairable halves. [ threw things, | waved the gun, I hit him and he
hit back, 1 screamed and roared and he cried and shouted for me to stop and just g0 to
bed. I was at that point of vitigo, where my entire existence was focused on or biting on
one single design, the needle point and ts nectar. 1 couldn'tstep back from the edge In
time before | lost my balance and fell; | was already losing It

" With a final slap to his face, he crumbled as | dressed with rage, slammed the
door and slid into the early morning gray. The hated sun was beginning to come up
again. | was 5o tired, 50 confused. I needed an outfit, another rig. 1 went to the back
house on the corner, 1 knocked on the door with bony fingers and bloody knuckdes until
someone yelled to stop. Gary, with the tattooed facs opencd the door. “What's up
homes? What you want man? It fuckin’ cold.”

“Hey bro, et me come in man, | stuttered, blood shot eyes pleading for a place
0 hide away from a society that hated me. “Whatever” he said.

“The room was dari; a woman, another man, a fow spoons and a black chunk
sitting in one of them. | looked at Gary's brother Jeff, needic in hand, “Let me get point
from you JelT, mine got busted.”

‘“Yeah, give him one Gary, you owe me 5 bucks kid his eyes nover leaving the,
dark brown liquid drawing up in his outfit. The woman closed her eyes as he injected
her. Heroin.

Tlooked at Gary; he knew my question beforo I asked. “Hey Jell, we created a
‘monster man, this kid Is gone® and he laughed, 5o did 1. What was funny? The whole.
damn fucked up It the whole le. One big joke.

‘They gave me a needle with a load of black tar inside, | grabbed my arm and
Gary gave my frst shot. My first taste of the devils own soul. The rush was slow,
blossoming, warm and prickly, starting from @y toes and rising untl it sccped out of my
eyebalis. 1 began to wobble. My malnutrition was attacked with opiated sickness. 1dry-
heaved on the back porch and spiashed water fom the dog bowl onto my face. | nodded
out on the couch until the kicked me back to the bitter strects to fend for my lfe. 1
borrowed Qary' bike, with the maglight duct-taped to the handle bars and peddied into
the street, moments later the biack and white sped around the corner and my outlaw
freedom was taken.

‘That was my first day of my firt prison term. That day took me to hell, one.
that 1 got free from only to return to it A hell that | know well. Today 'm clean, most of
the time, but I'm still that junkde kid evea if its months between fecling that beroin
rushing through my veins. Il always be him. 11l always crave that shit. Always give in
‘sometimes, always. .damn. g

Just for fun try the following experiment: Fokd your hand across your chest and
abserye theposton of your hands. Some poole B th et hand over e righ and
others do the reverse. :

“After noting how you do i, unfold your hands. Now fold them again, but this
time in the opposite way; that I if you normally put your right hand over your eft, put
your left hand over your right.

You will probably notice how awkward this fecls. The old way is normal and

relaxing. This new way may seem strange and you may feel that you could never relax in
this position.
Ifa simple change in the position of your hands is so uncomfortable, just think
how uncomfortable it 1s to change part of your behavior or lifestyle.
'ADDICTED THINKING by Abe Twersid

i -Neil
5]
Salad Days Review

Salad Days is first hand experience,
|passionate convictions, true D.I.Y. ethics,
handfulls of musical content, friendship,
|love, hate, and the search for the potent
impact of an individual. The expressions of
teen to adult life awakening through the
power of the underground hXc punk scene of
the 80's took me to a place I've never known,
and mede me feel like I was amidst the chaos
first hand, The characters were alive with
dlalog end actions so familiar and cherished,
you'll see old friends of yours here in
{different names and faces. I felt at home.
|The energy, anger, hopelessness and personal
victory were loud, the struggle of a man of
integrity, opinions and dedication. This
tale of fiction mirrored real life in all fawmisx
facets. I must admit inspiration was im-
possible not to blossom while reading
!Salad Days.

¥y favorite parts were the descriptive
panoramas of shows on the road or mx at the
Outhouse. Romalotti has a talent to put you
in the middle of a madness being birthed on
a sagsing stage occupied by people just like
jus, covered in sweat and spit, striving to
| 1anite teen resistance in a mass of mohawks,
spikes, leather jackets, Chuck Taylors and
revolutionary fires burning deep inside. Re-
minded me of every perfect and worst moment
of my life,

Inpressive and needed, Salad Days is
an anthem of growing up punk.

$10--Layman Books, P.0. 3ox 4702
Austin, TX 78765

89
| An Underachiever’s Diary - Benjamin Anastas
T was extremely impressed with the cynical humor and wit of the

augjorty of this book. However, the latter portion of it seems to have been
rushed and is severely facking the detaled discussions of an ordained life of
underachievements tht the first half conveys so well. A biterly fuany book
worth picking up, despite my lack of satisfaction with certain part. (The title
is very descriptive concerning content.)
$10. AVON. 1350 Ave. of the Americas. NY, NY. 10019 (B&N)

SLUT! Growing Up Femsle With A Bad Reputation - Leora
Tanenbaum
271 pages analyzing the sexual double standard, sexual labels and
the underlying problems of sexual stercotyping. An enrapturing book filled
‘with inerviews, demystificaion, and the real reasons why so many girls are
called suts. Most importantly, it explaias how some women have overcome
| their sexual labels and how you, as a human being, can prevent such
destructive forces from affecting the people who surround you, as well as
! yoursel. This book s highly recommended to anybody who may be
interested in the subject mattes. Worth reading as much as ifeis worth
living, (a lot.
s13. Havperz:clhm 10 East 53 St. NY, NY. 10022 B&N)

‘The Kentucky Rules - Cynthia Nelson
i A beautiful collection of poetry with accompanying ilustrations by
Tara Jane O'Neil (of sinilar quality, of course.) Both are members of the
| band Retain. Actually, ths book was published three years ago, but I just
liked it 5o much that I feel to spread the word. I'm pretty selective whan it
| comes o poetry and, besidesa few duds, thi i an amazing,collecton. Full
| of straight forward emotion and candid humor.
! 510 Softskull. 100 Suffolk St NY, NY. 10002

| Outline Of My Lover - Douglas A, Martin

i An sbsolutely elegant novel constructed from the thought-

| statemeats of s boy with a (celebrity) boyfriend and the parasitio relationship
! that occurs there in. Douglas Martin successfully manipulates the English

+ languags to produce meaningful sentences without resorting to age old
‘methods or legions of “evasive” euphemisms. Delicate like a station wagon -
you deserve this book, and this book deserves you.

$12. Softskull. 100 Suffolk St NY, NY. 10002

ALL OTHERS BY JusTiv

B&N MEANS Yoy cAp STEAL THESE ERom
SARNES AND MOBLE.

SALAD DAYS REViEw Y NEI?

L=
VIVA LE ME

There 1s a personsl revolution going on
with me, deep inside. I'm learning to look,
wxxzr see who I am and what I've been, where
I'm going now and where T want to be, accualy
doing planning, setting standards and bound-
aries, making asperations and goals for my-
self. T ve been deeply scarred by my life,
and S0 sbusive, to myself and others, so
driven by hate, rage, anger and an over-
whelming sense of failure. For so long I be-
lieved these leanings were coexistent with
me, 1like inmate to my being instead of im-
planted by outside sources and situations. I
thought I was just bad, I didn't realize th
capacity in me to change, rearrange, redirect,

1 was a lost cause, and doubt fueled hopeless-
ness, and that is a scary place. When hopeless,
theres nothing else to live for, no reason to

be, to try, to go on, nothing left to lose
and no chance to gain. But its a state of mind,
20t of beinz. I've only discovered this ImErmatis
Inoredible revelation recently. The power of miIX
will, of cholce, is es strong a power as any,
and the powere of destiny isn't as omnipotent
as common bellef. Destiny is built, its sub-
Jective to direction, to focused enerey. I
choose who T am, where I end up and how I get
‘there. I choose if the lessons I learn through
experiences will be adhered to, if I will
allow instruction to make me a better person,
Stronger, or if I allow circumstance to pull
me apart, ruin me.

al
This inner belief of worthlessness I can
recornize as the bitter root of so much pain
I've suffered. I'm not whining, I'm shedding
a tear of remorse, to heal and XEESXE move on.

T don't know when I started hating myself. T
never went to public school as a child, my

mom home schooled me and my siblings, to keep
us sheltered from the evil world. To keep us
safe from the harm out there, but I don't

Xnow 1f that taught me to formulate walls and be
reclusive, but I became very anti-soclal. I

was sparter because of 1t but didn't have inter-
active skills., My only "friends" were from our
church, and for some reason my refusal to accept
the falth left me stranded alone, an outsider
from the flock. The sexusl abuse from family
memvers created a void in me, and as the years mEm
continued to bring more molestation the emptiness
compacted into a ball of grief. Through PrEXrEEEixm
progressive sessions of inapropriate sexual
exposure this paln hardened to hate and a violent
anger. I started cutting myself, and wanting to
end it all, but I kept it all in, and if the anger
hadn't of been stronger the pain I would have

d1ed: uy motivation was the rage. It kept me

QT
\-nva £o hate the people who had hurt me for
one more day. To hate them with a passion o
desperate T remember praying to satan and mffErixg
offering my soul just so they would die horrible
|deaths. Thats a twisted up little kid. Self-
{eateen was base, nothing. A mirror was an

enemy, for my eyes acoused me of being to blame.
| For what? What did I do? I continued to live.

|1 learned how to seperate reality from emotion,
to numb, to stop caring, when I found my young

| body being violated from behind I'd foous on the
physical pain, cling to a world of burning and
Push away thought and feeling. No caring. No
fears. For some reason physical hurt was easier
to cope with than that stabbing my mind, heart,
"lnd spirit. These experiences cost me faith in
Iife. I didn't believe in anything but that I
deserved to hurt, but I wouldn't give in fully,
|T would react, lash out. I would be angry, and
hate people, and hurt. I thrived on negativity,
and that aproach on mEEEt maturity spelled
disaster. The suicide attempts lessoned when
| druge increased, but getting loaded was a =
temporary way to die. And what finally branded um
me & legitamite "loser” by those around. I

Tost the benefit of being fucked up emotionally,
Jou see, I was a little older and doing drugs.
Yow T got the third degree and soon the door.

At thirteen years old the streets of a desert
community are harsh end barren, devoid of hopeful
inspiration, and cold at night. But a christ-
13ke home didn't tolerate drug use, or angry
rebellion, and the bottoms of my shoes befriend-
ed the open road.

Through 1t all T had listened to lies, told
by myself and others, that I was nothing, worth-
less, better off dead and this had become my
way of thought and action. As a boy lifeless,
unsble to do right, but only to increase in pain.
Propaganda forced upon myself by my own design.
It was my fate to fail. T accepted 1t and plotted
self-destruction. I think it was easier to allow
myself to become so immursed in rituslistic de-
cline because of this. The drugs became me.
Crime, and Jail and prisons, the whole white

93
power mistake, it wasn't so shocking because I
wesn't connected emotionally or mentally, I was
Just following a path blindly, disconnected from
any real reactions or viewpoints. I was an
empty shell. I would sabotage happiness. If
things began going good I would destroy EXEXyikimy
everything myself before someone else got the
pleasure of hurting me.

Later, sitting in a cell, rotting from
within, I had enough of being plastic, of trying
to please others, or being this person I mwasn't.
Amazingly I started ErEmpimgxbazixinxaxd caring
again. Feeling started creeping back in and dis-
gust at who I had been, what I was involed in,
hurting people, hating people, became dominant.

I felt so bad, bmt not just for myself, but for
others. I was hungry for individuality, in the
form of being alive. The regrets awakened me. My
prison sentence caused self-evaluation and I
saw the mistakes I had made at face value.

When I wrote the MRR column I had just k=
begun a metamorphosis. I was still hopeless. I
hadn't discarded the negativity. When I went to
the hole I quit using dope. Getting sober ore-
ated a landscape for transformation. Breaking

the ties with racism and hate gave me the EXx
strength to begin breaking more barriers. And
the flood of emotion was overpowering. But I
was feeling, I was living, and most of all I

was hoping.

I've been clean now for almost seven
months. This is an incredible accomplishment
for me and confirmation that the power of self-
will is strong enough to do anything. I've
become a seeker. A dreamer. I know compassion,
forgiveness, goodness. Words like trust, ix
integrity, respect, loyalty, hopefulness,
faith, and energy have become real to me. I
wrestied with the guilt and worked through mxEryx:
every inch, No lies, no running, but standing
and fighting, Becoming. The process of dis-
covering who I am on the inside has been
momentus, I'm honestly changed for life. The
realizations have brought wonder. For what-
ever reasons all the bad things happened, I .

P
[ ¥know T don't have to keep hurting or hating,
! or being wrong, or failing. The bad things dmxx
don't have to be in my days to come. I can
. choose a different path. I dictate my destiny.
My past has no command over my future. I am
free to go where I will, do what I want and
be who I will be. Yesh, I was a junky for
years, I used to be an ignorant hater, I was
an abused child, but I'm not »f any of those
bad things anymore. Its ok I'm bi-sexual, I'm
happy that way. Its ok I've got 12 more years
in prison, I'm coming home and I'll be pre-
‘psred.

| The positive influence has birthed an
|urge to impact those who have any type of
affinity to things I've been through. I'm
growing, learning, healing, and I want to
|ne1p people, youths, gueers, women, enyone
|in pain from abuse and molestation, homo-
phobia and sexual discrimination, racism
and tolerance, or self-destruction from
arug addiction. I want to be here for them.
Suppose T feel it's my duty to make amends
by helping miumrs another? I can't see
utilizing the negative aspects of what I've
been for positive reasons anything less
than right. I will not let the pain, I
|felt and delt, go unavenged or left to no
use. I will speak and strive to right
Wrongs that destroy lives. I will act. I
|Wi11 get free and bring others with me,
just as I drug those down with me before.
[ana 1 won't look back.
i

I owe so much to so many friends who
| Just_proved to me love exists. All the
|people I write, all those imnmates, and
confidants, and companions on this path of
1ife. I thank you for your honesty and
your belief. I couldn't have done 1t with-
out you.

I've been reading this zine Planting
.Seeds my good friend Anthony sent to me,
{and 1ts powerful. Its very open, raw and
| positive and radiates a good feeling. T
| recommend reading this zine if you have any
issues such as sexual abuse, rape, sulcidal
thoughts, traumatic memories, or emotional
pain. Erika and Basil who do this zine are
both believers in personal healing and their
writings are so up close and honest.
Penetrating. This zine helped me alot. Send
a stamp for info or $2 for Planting Seeds
to P.0. Box 33368, Austin, TX 78764.

I just can't stress how important a
positive focal point is to pull through on
top. If we are going to make it, it takes
strength, and most of all love, without
that emotion no force will conquor hate or
division. Once you come to terms with you,
then its so natural to start looking out- :
ward with compassion rather than judgement,
because there 1s no longer any need to
prove anything, True individuality comes
when you maxE love who you are more than
you care who hates you. Freedom is inside
you. Believe.

FUCKASIOCIN!

A
THIS Holida S:qson
Get Someth ecial
For Your Lov gl Cg

m/m\ RO

* No Rots or Flovgrs UErE Hur'\'
Tn The [Taking of This Picture